Learning to Love Again
by Starbucks3894
Summary: James/OC, with a few other pairings. A fic about teenage angst and woes about love, a difficult life, the harsh rise and fall of the wheel of fortune, and what can go wrong when you don't tell the truth from the very beginning. R&R, if you please.
1. Chapter 1

**I suppose this is the last in the series of fics I've written. Set after The Beginning of a Problem, with a main character being an OC. I've never done this sort of thing before, so please cut me some slack. Note that chapters in the first person will be from the POV of the OC, and all others, namely, third person, will be from the POV of one of the regular characters. So away we go. :)**

**Note: This Chapter, and the next are actually set before the Beginning of Forever. Just so there's no confusion. :)  
**

Would it seem strange to tell you that I've never gotten anything I wanted? You would probably tell me I'm a spoiled brat, that I've gotten plenty, but was too stubborn and horrible to accept it graciously. And I would just shake my head at your ignorance.

About eleven years ago, my sister got the coolest new pink bike, with streamers and a bell and a basket. She was so happy she rode it up and down the street, ringing the bell, striking jealousy into little girls everywhere. That was the day she turned seven. It was also the day I turned five. I think I'm cursed sharing a birthday with a sister two years my elder. Because every time I reached an important age, nobody cared. Five, ten, thirteen, you name it! It didn't matter. Because she had already done it.

Any accomplishment I had attained, was like nothing. She would always outdo me somehow. I would get into the dance school down the street, she would be the best in her age group in a matter of weeks. I would achieve my goal of a B+ on the big Math test, and she would achieve an astonishing 4.1 grade average. Impossible? Not for her.

I got a scooter, she got a moped. I got a iPod, she got a laptop. I FINALLY got a bike, she gets a car. And it goes on and on.

She was the favorite. She was the talented one, the one people complimented and admired. She had a fantastic voice, graceful movements, and always had the hottest boyfriends. Actually come to think of it, they may have seemed like the hottest because the only ones she dated were guys I had a crush on. Even if they were younger.

She always got everything I wanted. Did I resent her? Or hate her? Or want to gouge out her eyeballs with a fork? No, not really. Sure, I didn't adore her, but I didn't hate her. I loved her, because she's my sister, and she's never done any of those things directly. Only without knowing. She would be sorry if she knew how dim she always made me feel. But she didn't know. And since it was usually up to my parents, she never would.

About the only thing I could do she couldn't was play guitar. My guitar was the most precious thing in the world to me. If ANYTHING ever happened to it, I'm sure I would die. It was my only comfort sometimes, with a perfectionist mother, an indifferent father, and a flawless sister.

I'm used to it, I guess. Always being second-best, I mean. It's been that way for as long as I can remember. She gets the perfect life, all her dreams come true. And I take a backseat, and try to enjoy her happiness as much as I can. If happiness is what you would call it. More like extremely good luck.

So the day my parents decided to move to L.A. so we could further encourage my sis to follow her every dream, I was kinda excited, kinda apprehensive. It's Hollywood. Wouldn't you be?

So we packed up our life, and watched it back away from the newly paved driveway down Hazelgrove Drive in the form of an enormous moving van. Pulling away after it, away from the only place I'd ever lived, I found I kinda missed it already. It was my sanctuary, the place I had been born and grown up in. Every experience, every memory, seemed to become more non-existent the farther away we got, and I struggled like heck to hold onto them. I already wished I could be back in my room, drinking up the sun and green shining through the pane, sitting on the sill, watching the world change before me through that big bay window. I almost wanted to cry when I thought I would never see it again. Shuddering slightly at the AC cranked up, I snuggled deeper into my seat and took a deep breath, shaking the feeling off. Change was good. I could adapt quickly. Learn to love any way of life I was given. I numbed my senses to everything but drowsiness.

I had never been on an airplane before that long flight from Ohio to California. So, by the time we arrived, I was so exhausted I didn't even bother smiling at the look of ecstasy that enveloped my sister's face as we passed the Hollywood sign. I felt like a bowl of pudding. And all I wanted to do was sleep. I crashed hard that night. The first case of jet-lag is always the worst.

Of course, the first thing my parents did, after making sure I had food and water and a bed to sleep in, was to get Rachel a few modeling gigs. She had always been at home in front of a camera, and would flip her tight brown curls, and flash her teeth like nobody's business. She was amazing at everything. So why wouldn't she be at home in front of anyone at all? With all the attention on her, how could she not be happy? She thrived on it, drunk it up, and grew stronger because of it. She would shine her light on anyone and everyone, and you just couldn't help a smile. Not even now, watching her chatter with Mom, while they pile all that unnecessary make-up on her face. Or squeeze her into a size zero sun dress and size five heels.

But she looked pretty, and I smiled and hugged her hard, ignoring Mom's protests that I would wrinkle the fabric of her outfit.

I asked if I could go along to the first shoot. To watch her in action. My parents said no. They said I would be a distraction, and Rachel needed all her focus if this was gonna work. So I shrugged, and wished her good luck. I watched the car as it pulled away from the hotel and down the street. Then I sighed.

What do I do now? I had nowhere to go. I was officially bored.

I got up and walked outside to the bench in front of our hotel building. Only problem was it was in full sun, and I'm pretty sure I was suffering from heat-stroke in five minutes. I fanned myself with my hands, but then it looked like I was flapping my wings or something, and people looked at me funny. I waved at them happily, hoping I looked really retarded. They hurried past faster. I chuckled a bit to myself. People in this town were really kinda mean and unfriendly and stuff. I hadn't seen any teens around yet, this being only the second day. But I was sure they would be just as snooty and high-and-mighty as their elder counterparts.

Unconsciously, my foot started tapping, before I even realized it was to the beat of music nearby.

Somewhere near, a song was drifting in and out of my hearing. Some male voices, melding seamlessly like water flowing. It sounded really good. I listened for a minute, but I couldn't make out anything but a kind of clearness and clarity that I hadn't heard often in my genre of music. I was more of an instrumental and acoustic-jazzy type girl. But I took a chance, and started walking towards the melody.

It was coming from a stereo a little ways off. Some kids were sitting on the green next to it, sipping soda from glass bottles and talking loudly. I inched closer. One of them caught my eye. He frowned a little and I almost stopped. I shook my head like I was being bothered by an annoying fly. Then I kept walking faster, all the while towards the mystery angels blasting from their stereo.

I stopped right in front of the green, not stepping on it, but close enough to get my message across. I meant business. They all stopped talking, and just stared.

"Who's that?" I said, pointing to the stereo. A couple of the kids sniggered.

"A stereo? Not a who. More of a what." The boy who had frowned chuckled and smiled at me from beneath his eyebrows. He was cutely weird in a kinda good way. I found myself losing my trademark feeling of defiance.

I grinned back. He wasn't hostile or anything. He was just joking. One thing you get good at is reading people's faces, when you have a sister in the modeling biz.

"Ha ha ha. Yeah cute. No, I meant the singer." He looked away from me and took a long swig from his soda bottle. I wondered if he would answer, or play idiot.

"What, 'cha neva heard of Big Time Rush?" a girl said, in a strong New York accent, popping her gum around in her mouth loudly as she stood up.

"Um, no. Who the heck-"

"You foreign or somethin', bluondie?" the girl said, jutting her chin out towards my dark red-blonde hair, pulled back into a ponytail.

"No. Are YOU-"

"It's theya single. Very exclusive." She looked me up and down, like she was gonna eat me or something, and she was thinking about how good I would taste: grilled or boiled?

"Just back off Del," the guy who had smiled at me sighed. He looked apprehensive, and the other kids, who could've been deaf and dumb for all the talking they did, shifted uncomfortably.

"Del" looked at me again, her chin still out, before she shrugged and sat back down. "Whateva."

The boy turned his attention back to me. He didn't look happy.

"Big Time Rush, like the boy band? Check em' out sometime maybe?" he asked. He looked annoyed all of a sudden, and his tone was definitely frazzled. Can you say bipolar?

I raised my hands defeatedly. The last thing I had wanted to do was annoy this guy. "Yeah sure. I will, thanks."

He sighed, and sat down next to the loud-mouth girl again.

I walked away.

"Seeya around," he called after me. I waved, not looking back. They cranked the stereo louder. The sounds of "Big Time Rush" filled my ears. I felt like I as floating on nothing. Almost as good as playing guitar myself. This guy could sing. Shivers traveled up my spine.

"_Here I am, there you are. Why does it seem so far...?"_

The rest of the song drifted away as I left. But that guy... it's like his voice was in my head. I couldn't get hold of myself. I felt drunk on his pitch, tone, every thing about his voice. I had never heard anything so amazing.

The next few hours passed fairly quickly, with me strumming along to songs I was listening to on my iPod. I found myself humming that song again and again to myself, not able to get it out of my head. No song had had that impact on me. Ever. Why? I mean, it was just a regular song, right? Besides the fact that that guy could've been a angel with a voice like that.

Soon enough, my parents walked through the door, followed by a radiant Rachel.

"How'd it go?" I asked nonchalantly. I wished they had gotten stuck in traffic. So I would have a few more minutes of being alone.

"Brilliant!" Rachel sighed, before either of my parents could say a word. "Absolutely brilliant!" She threw herself on the bed beside me.

"If only you could've been there Ren..." she said dreamily. "It was amazing! I can't wait to go back! It was all so... just like, everything I want! If I could do this for an actual living..."

I looked to my parents for confirmation. But they were smiling so wide I didn't even have to ask.

"She was brilliant," my dad said proudly, kissing her on the forehead. "Perfect in every way. She has another go in a few days. Modeling jeans for Levi's."

I raised my eyebrows and whistled a bit. "Levi's? Wow, great job, Rach."

"Yes, really," my mom parroted. "Absolutely stunning job, dear." Then of course they proceeded to give me the run through, of every little detail, every tiny little thing it WOULDN'T have been necessary to know, like her lip gloss shade, of the size bikini she modeled. I just nodded and smiled, glancing at Rachel occasionally.

Finally, they ceased, and Mom set about to unwinding Rachel's hair, while I ran to get her comb.

"So, how 'bout dinner?" Dad said, rubbing his hands together. "Pizza?"

"And salad," Mom said, glancing at Rachel's waist, which was borderline freakishly small. Rachel's hair came in glossy torrents over her shoulders, waving around to curl back up tightly around the side of her head. She ran her comb through it slowly.

"How bout you babe? Do pizza with me?" Dad said, looking towards me hopefully.

"Yeah. Pizza. Sounds great." I twirled a strand of hair around my finger absentmindedly, watching my mom take a t-shirt out of a suitcase.

Rachel sat up, and stopped combing her hair. "Are you okaaaay? You look weird."

I started. "Do I? Sorry."

Rachel laughed merrily. "Don't be sorry. You just look pale, that's all."

"I'm feeling great, though." And I was. I still felt like I was on Cloud Nine.

Mom frowned. "I'll get dinner anyway. Be back soon." She grabbed the keys, the t-shirt laying lost and forgotten on the floor.

I didn't eat any pizza. Just bit into one piece, and tried to swallow. I couldn't. So I swished it around a little on my plate, throwing it away and excusing myself before anyone could protest very loudly. Mom ushered me to bed, saying I was getting ill from the sudden change in climate. She and Dad talked quietly while Rach got a shower. I closed my eyes.

It seemed like just a second. But when I opened them it was dark, and Mom and Dad and Rachel were asleep. My stomach growled. I clutched at it painfully. I was starving.

"_That's what you get for not eating dinner, you idiot._" I slipped out of my bed, into my shorts and sweatshirt, and out of the hotel room.

The lobby clock told me it was almost ten. Pretty early still for my whole family to be asleep. I went outside anyway.

The cool night air was EXTREMELY welcome. I let it pass over my face, then fill my lungs. I heard a loud raucous laugh from somewhere to my right. I tried to see out of my peripheral vision. It was a tall guy with his arm slung around some vampy lookin girl. Not familiar. So I walked quickly by.

"_Maybe I should just go back..." _Something intuitive told me I probably shouldn't be out at this time, especially in a place like this. My stomach threw a few more roars at me.

_"Oh no, I can't."_

I remembered a little joint about a block away we had passed on the way to the hotel yesterday. It had looked yummy, so I jogged in that direction, my abdomen vibrating the whole way. There were a few cars parked in front of the little building, and a black one stood out in my view. A guy with bushy eye-brows and blonde hair was in the front seat. He was tapping on the door to a song on the radio. I could feel a faint beat as I passed him and stepped up on the concrete step in front. I opened the door, almost bumping into a Latino boy who had his arms filled with bags, overflowing with food. He caught my eye. I cocked my eyebrow at him, smiling a little to myself at his enormous load. He shrugged and flashed a set of very white teeth. I laughed, and stepped past him through the door, watching him go to the blonde guy in the car and wrestle over who takes what bags.

Immediately, I was nailed with the smell of grease and a slight hint of table cleaner. I smiled. This was familiar to me. I could do this. I walked up behind a tall dark haired guy giving his order to the smiling girl behind the counter. She was so openly flirting that I almost laughed out loud. But this guy was taking it in his stride.

"Do you want fries with that?" she giggled, looking at him from under her false lashes.

"No thanks. None for me." I could hear the smile on his tongue. It was kinda funny. Every two seconds he would clear his throat and drum his fingers on the counter. So he was anxious to get out of there, and was being nice to her because he obviously pitied her. Or thought this was just too funny. Either way.

Out of nowhere, right as the flirt was giving him his total, a brunette with sparkling eyes and a quirky mouth walked up to the guy from the direction of the bathroom, and slipped her arm around his waist.

"Ready to go, Logie?" she said, staring sweetly as the sputtering girl mouthed words that never came out. I coughed. The guy had a blush creeping up the back of his neck. He seemed very distracted by her proximity.

"Ahem, oh yeah. We better go. How much did that come to?" he asked, digging around in his pockets, not meeting the brunette's eyes.

"$10.95," the flirt grumbled, shooting daggers at the girl with her eyes as she slid the paper bag across the counter. But the girl just smiled innocently, grabbed the bag, and marched away, dragging the boy along with her, almost not giving him time to slap a ten and a few ones down as he grabbed the receipt.

"Keep the change," he called to her as he was pulled away.

When they were at the door I heard him say, "What was that for?"

"What? I did you a favor, boy. She would've been all over you, and the COMMITMENT, ugh. Be thankful."

He looked thankful. And he didn't take her arm from his waist as they walked out the door. They joined the Latino and the blonde, who was now yelling at the former for spilling something that looked like ketchup on him.

I smiled, then walked up to the grumpy girl to give her my order.

**Chapter one finished. Believe me this story will develop. Hopefully in a good way. :) Thanks for reading, and again. If you are thinking about favoriting or putting this story on alert, take a little bit more time to put a review up. It motivates me, and makes me feel like all the time I put into my fics is worth while. ^.^**

**xoxo**

**~Starbucks**


	2. Chapter 2

**Got some things to say before the second chapter. First off, I urge you to read Chapter One over, because I had to make some changes to fit in with the time-line that I'm hoping to use. So some of the stuff in this chapter might not make complete sense if you don't. So go back and RE-READ!**

**Second, RE-READ, third, Re-READ, oh yeah. RE-READ! This chapter will be confusing if you don't. Not major changes were made, but minor ones, that greatly affect the time-line of the story. Thank you, and enjoy.**

"Finally! We can get out of this place!" Rachel sighed and flopped back onto her bed.

"It's only been a week," I reminded her.

"Longest week of my life."

"Uh-huh. Sure."

We were finally packing up all our stuff. All Rach's clothes and makeup, all my stuff. Mom and Dad had caved and gotten another room for themselves about four days ago. Because me and Rachel didn't want to share a bed anymore. But mostly because Mom was concerned about Rachel's beauty sleep, and had wanted her to have her own. So me and her had had our own room. Which was awesome. No mom to criticize everything I said to her, or interpret my gestures the wrong way.

I jammed a last pair of jeans into my bag, then zipped it closed. Rachel was still folding all her camisoles.

"You're gonna be here all day," I saw fit to remind her.

"Maybe."

We were quiet for a minute, as I sat on my bed, and she continued folding undergarments. After a little bit I got bored, and said I was going to the beach one more time before we left.

"There are beaches near the Palm Woods."

"Not this beach."

"Ren, you are so stubborn."

"I know."

So I changed into my one piece and a pair of shorts, and grabbed a towel and some sunblock, cramming it into a beach bag as I walked out the door.

I was there in a matter of minutes. Simply because I had gone there every day, sometimes more than once a day, for the past week. It had been my home away from home. So I had the exact shortest route mapped out perfectly in my head.

I had never had beaches in Ohio. There were some small lakes, but nothing like the salty wonderfulness that I had come to crave. I pulled off my shorts and put them into my bag. I dropped it in the small crevice that the bag usually occupied on a rock a few yards from the beach, then ran to the water, diving in and going under.

The warm sensation of the water caving in over my head filled me up, and I smiled in spite of myself. The salty water stung my eyes and I surfaced, spluttering and coughing. Hey, nobody ever said I was the best swimmer. In fact, I never went more than a few feet out, just because.

I paddled around a little, feeling my legs brush against the sand below. I floated there for a moment, just loving the feeling of the sun on my face. After a bit I stood up and surveyed the deserted beach. This part of the vast expanse of sand, for some reason, never attracted much people. I didn't know why. It was totally gorgeous.

But knowing I had only had an hour to begin with till we left for the Palm Whatever hotel, I walked to the shore sadly. I really didn't want to leave. I loved this beach. Even if I knew there were a million more miles of undiscovered surf I still had to see.

"I'll come back," I whispered to myself, drawing patterns in the sand with my feet.

I memorized this stretch of white and green so pure and untainted, then I slid my shorts back up my legs, and plopped myself on the sand. I ran my fingers through my curtain of hair, toweling it slightly with my hand-me-down magenta and turquoise creation. Rachel's of course, at one point.

I sighed. Seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. I sang softly to myself.

_"Here I am, there you are. Why does it seem so far?"_

Who knew anything but instrumentals could be so catchy? That song was the only one I knew I would never forget. That band was awesome, in my most humble opinion. Why couldn't I remember the name? Oh well. Names had never been terribly important to me.

Picking up my beach bag, and slipping my towel in yet again, I walked away from the beach. Maybe if I got away quick enough, I would be able to forget about it as painlessly as possible.

* * *

"So here it is. Your room. 5D."

The guy shoved our suitcases in, and shoved us in even faster after them. He was paunchy and had this skeevy look in his eye I hadn't taken to at ALL.

"Mr. uh... Bitters, is it?" my mom asked, peering at his name tag.

"Yes," he said, talking real slow like she was some retarded kid. I had a brief urge to kick him in the place the sun don't shine. But I contained myself, for Rachel, who was looking around the room with a kind of mild interest. I wouldn't ruin this for her. Not after we'd come this far.

"Do you have room service here?" I could tell Mom was determined to get some form of respect from this guy.

"No. Well, not for you." He smirked, and backed out of the room. "Have a Palm Woods day." His gut rippled as he walked away.

I turned and faced my mom.

"I don't like him," Rachel piped up from her corner. She was fiddling with a ring on her middle finger.

"Well, get to like him, because it looks like if we're going to get any comfort around here, we're going to have some sucking up to do." Mom wasn't stupid. And she was a very good liar/flatterer.

Rachel sighed. "Alright." She picked up her suitcases. "Where's my room?"

"Down the hall I think. You and Serenity will have to share."

Rachel almost rolled her eyes. I could tell she was tired of me. But I would just have to be something she got used to, too.

"Fine," she said. "It's late though, and I need sleep."

"No, not before you go to the gym."

Rachel spluttered.

"You haven't gone at all today! Look at you!" Mom walked over and shook her head.

Rachel looked at her figure in the floor length mirror at the end of the room. "I'm getting..."

Mom raised her hands, but said nothing.

Rachel sighed. "OK. I'll get changed and go, real quick, before it gets dark."

Mom smiled and nodded approvingly. "No pain no gain, sweetie."

"I know that, Mom."

Rachel walked down the hall to drop her suitcase off and get changed. I sauntered to the door.

"Where are you going?" Dad finally asked. Thought he had died or something.

"Oh, just to go look around downstairs. I'll be back up in a minute."

Dad frowned. "Well, don't be a while. You know how your mother gets."

"Yeah. I know." I gave him a smile which he returned, before I walked out the door and down the hall.

I made it to the lobby without coming in contact with another human being. Right as the elevator opened on ground, I saw where everyone must have got to. The lobby was full of people. Guess it was a hot spot or something.

I walked over to one of the couches in the middle and sat down. I heard tons of voices around me but a few stood out in particular.

"And WE'RE not gonna fight over girls anymore, right?" a deep, rather hot sounding voice said.

"Right." In unison, a few more voices piped up, all guys.

"We're gonna be civilized and only go after girls we meet alone, not together. Agreed?" the first voice said.

"Agreed."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a rather vibrant yellow color come into vision. I turned. Rachel was walking around the lobby with a confused expression on her face, like she was lost. Man, she could change REALLY quick.

I saw her eyes light on a group behind me obviously, because she walked past me without so much as an acknowledgment. Her footsteps stopped, and I turned to see which unfortunate soul she had decided to prey on.

"Hey," she said, smiling.

I couldn't help but be surprised. It really is a small world.

The three guys I had seen at the burger joint. Standing there, gawking over my sister. Well, all except the tall spiky haired guy, who just smiled, and closed the blonde's mouth. Another fourth member had been added to the group in the form of a tall tan guy with a muscular build and shaggy brown hair.

"I just arrived at the Palm Woods. Can you tell me where the gym is?" Ugh. "Arrived"?

The other three were drooling by now. I almost laughed. A young girl sighed from her position in the front.

"It's past the pool and to the right."

"Great. Thanks," Rachel said, smiling again and turning away. The look on her face was quite satisfied.

Immediately, the young girl moved, allowing the group of guys to run past, tripping over each other, with proclamations of undying love and "She's mine!" ringing from their lips. The spiky haired guy sighed and gave up his attempts to separate them. Instead he watched them run after Rachel and turned back to the lobby. He looked around, and in doing so, caught my gaze. I smiled at him. He grinned and walked over.

"You're the girl from the other day at the burger place."

"Yup. And you're the flirty guy with the insanely awesome girlfriend."

He rubbed his neck self consciously, and turned a vibrant shade of pink. "Camille? M-my girlfriend? What, ahem, what makes you think that?"

"Body language is a dead give away."

He looked like he wanted to say something else. Instead he spluttered and stood there, not saying a word.

So he was THAT type.

"She's not your girlfriend, huh."

"Well, no. She's not..."

"You want her to be?"

"I um, I... I-"

"Don't answer that."

"Um, OK then."

I smiled.

He stuck out his hand a little awkwardly. "I'm Logan."

"I'm Ren." We shook, and he sat down beside me.

"You just move here?" he asked.

"Yup. Just today," I answered.

"What are you here for?"

"My sister. She has this big Hollywood dream, of becoming famous and stuff. I'm just along for the ride."

"Ah." He rubbed his hands together before resting them on his knees.

"That was her," I said, beckoning after the way she had gone.

Logan looked surprised. "Oh. Well, you two look nothing alike. I would've never known." I could tell he was looking at my hair.

I shrugged, but didn't say anything else.

"Well, she's uh... she's beautiful, I mean."

"Yeah. So you're implying I'm ugly, since we look nothing alike."

"No no! I meant-"

I just laughed. This guy sure was easy to fool.

"I know."

He looked relieved. "You're too much like Camille. The world only needs one..."

"Huh?"

"Nothing. So, do you do anything? Beside your sister, do you sing or act or anything?"

"I play guitar," I shrugged.

"Ah. Like guitar dude?"

I frowned. "Ahhhhh..."

"Oh right. You just came. Never mind then." He shook his head and smiled, like there was some inside joke he knew I wouldn't get.

"So what are you in for?" I asked him. I didn't like this feeling of interrogation and hopeless ignorance.

"What? You mean the Palm Woods?"

"Sure."

"I'm in a band with the guys. As in..." he beckoned in the direction of the crazy hooligans who had gone after Rachel. "Those guys."

I nodded knowingly. "Ahhh. I see. Your band got a name?"

"Uh yeah. Big Time Rush."

Something in me clicked suddenly. Like I knew that name. I vaguely remembered sunshine and soda, and a cute smile I couldn't quite recall.

"Sounds cool. You come up with that?" I came back quickly.

"I didn't. Kendall did. Um, the tall one? Blonde?

"Yeah, eyebrows."

He laughed. I noticed he had dimples on either side of his mouth. Cute. I mean, if you like that sort of thing. Obviously, I did.

"Yeah, that's Kendall. And Carlos, the short one, Latino, you know? And James is the... uh... other, one."

I turned around to see the guys coming back, looking rather defeated. Rachel must have let them down hard.

"They seem like an erm, very LIVELY bunch," I said.

"Never a dull moment."

"A better life you could not have."

"You got it. They're like my brothers you know? Can't live with em'-

"Can't live without em'," we finished together. I smiled at him.

"Well, I better get back, before my mom has an aneurysm." She was probably chewing on a dozen pain pills right now, despite the fact that I had only been gone for ten minutes. At least I knew she worried about me. That meant she cared, in a rather backwards twisted kind of way, I guess.

"Haha. Yeah. Nice meeting you. See ya around hopefully."

"Yeah. Soon."

He waved goodbye, then joined up with his friends. I contemplated the little group. For some odd reason I didn't really want to go away. I just wanted to keep looking at him. Logan. I almost sighed.

Then I turned on my heel, and walked away. Far far away. No way was I falling this hard for a guy on my first day. I was Ren. I didn't do "falling".

**OK. So now those of you who read chapter one will see why I had to change some stuff. First off, Chappie One was set after Big Time Sparks, hence the song on the stereo. But this chapter takes place at the end of Big Time Love Song, which would completely NOT fit. Because we're just now introducing Rachel, aka, sunblock girl, and before it was at the end of the season! So that's why I had to take out Logan/Camille and Countin' On You in chapter one, because it just wouldn't have worked out. Sorry if the story is less awesome because of it. I did what I thought I had to.**

**And also, I have a feeling that chapter 3 might be delayed for a while. I just wanted to get this one up quickly to let you guys know what I changed.  
**

**Review! And tell me if the changes impacted your reading. I really am curious to know. Thanks! Love you ALL! :D**

**xoxoxo**

**~Starbucks**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is a fairly confusing chapter in terms of POV. But hopefully you can handle it. XD I tried to make this chapter as painless as possible. So read and hopefully, ENJOY!**

The next few months passed relatively quickly. Rachel was slowly gaining the reputation we had been hoping for, as the talented girl who would come and model or sing for you on a moments notice. Sometimes I think Mom enjoyed showing her off more than Rach actually enjoyed doing it.

Dad kept a fairly low profile. Since the rent for our room would have been amazingly high without a second job, he got to work as the assistant manager, after some other lady quit. He really hated it, but mom had to remind him it was all for Rachel, and that she was so happy here. He couldn't argue with that. She was happy here. When she wasn't by the pool having guys rub sunblock on her, or being the flirt she was, she was in the studio, recording or posing. People couldn't get enough of her, and everything seemed to be going perfect.

Meanwhile, Mom enrolled me and her in the Palm Woods School. It was cool, OK I mean. The teacher was a total pushover, and since I was good at sucking up and evading punishment, I got by pretty well. Rachel liked it, and always sat behind the shaggy tan guy, Logan's friend. I caught her giggling and smiling and twirling her hair at him one day. He smiled back, and I saw him stretch out confidently. So boys were not gonna be a problem for her here either.

Speak of the devil...

Logan. I had kinda come to think of him as the only "friend" I had around this place. And since he was always busy, doing the album or whatever, I didn't get to hang out much. I had a vague feeling I may have had a teeny crush to begin with., no matter how much I had tried to squash it. But I got over it the more often I didn't see him. Still, a little part of me couldn't help looking around every time I walked into the lobby, hoping to see that head of dark hair or that quirky smile.

So I had no friends, school was alright, I was alone all day. Oh! But one good thing came of my experience. I got a great job.

Down at Rocque Records, a futuristic looking building a few blocks away, I had gotten the most wonderful job in the world. I was payed to clean and maintain all the guitars in the studio.

If I could stress how amazing this was for me, it wouldn't even come close to how awesome it really is. To be with guitars all day, and be able to clean and care for them, it was heaven. Plus, sometimes I got to play them. Who knew they're were so many kinds? Electric, western, acoustic, all of them were so cool. I would walk down there every day after school, sometimes all day on the weekend, and just play around with them. Kelly, well she was great. And Gustavo, eh. He's OK. Kinda loud. He's never yelled at me, of course. I don't think he would dare. But I can hear him down the hall on weekdays going at it almost all day.

So that was my life for almost four months. School, guitars, and Rocque Records. Pretty good, considering I was where I was. I couldn't complain.

So when something finally actually happened to make it all better, of course I remembered. I think it was a Tuesday. Something amazing made me remember that day.

I met Camille Rogers.

I was just sitting by the pool, in the shade. I didn't expect her to come up to me and sit down or introduce herself so quickly. I just sat there. What could I say? I had no idea if this girl was even sane. She asked what I thought of the weather. I asked her what the heck she was on about. She said she knew everyone at the Palm Woods. Except me. She had wondered about me for awhile. But never said anything. She said Logan had told her about me. And I suddenly remembered.

Four months ago, I had seen her at that burger joint, where she had acted so spastastically awesome, and Logan had said I was too much like her for comfort. Logan's would be girlfriend.

I talked to her. Turns out she wasn't just "would be" anymore. I couldn't tell what I was feeling at that point. I knew I was probably feeling jealous, since I had liked him. But I also knew I was happy, maybe even more than I was jealous. Because even back then, I could tell how much they liked each other, and how right they would have been. So I settled for smiling at her and telling her how great that was.

I didn't think she would be an easy person to get along with. I was wrong. I talked to her as honestly as if we had known each other all our lives. She had a script for some new TV show she was trying out for. I practiced it with her. It was a comedy, and needless to say, I couldn't breathe from laughing when we were done. Then we went up to her apartment, and played Modern Warfare. First I asked her why the heck she even had that game. She shrugged. Then I beat her.

I had my first slumber party that night. I felt immature, even though I was only a year younger. She quickly put that idea out of my head. She could've been three for all the maturity she had. And I had never had so much fun in my life.

Funny how the whole time, she never asked me my name. She just called me Red. Or Burger Girl. Did I care? Heck no! She was too great for me to pay any attention to names.

We exchanged numbers. I think I can rightfully say, from that moment on, she became the best friend I had ever had. She was constantly calling or texting me, and we went everywhere together. We got minor roles in the same commercial, much to everyone's amazement. She sang back-up on a song I wrote, not very well, but hey. I was pretty happy she came up to me that day. If she hadn't, I would always have been that submissive, false tough girl, who was too afraid to make a really good friend.

One day I asked her why.

"Why what?"

"Why do you hang out with me?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I mean, I'm just kinda antisocial, and mean, and spoiled."

"Yes. You're horrible. Absolutely DEMONIC. But you're a lot of fun."

"Psh, yeah right. Why don't you hang out with that other girl, oh whats his name's girlfriend, ummmmm... Jo! That's her."

"I do hang out with her."

"Not as much as with me."

"Well, I've taken a liking to you, young Padawan. You are unique and passionate, and that's hard thing to find today. Plus, think how awesome I look with you standing next to me." She fingered my strawberry hair.

"Oh yeah, because we are smokin' hot. Every girl in TOWN knows how jealous they are."

"You know it, Red."

I pondered. "Do you even know my real name?"

"Yeah. It's Ren."

"No. My REAL real name."

"..."

"My birth name is not Ren."

"Then... what is it?"

"It's Serenity. Serenity." I said it slower the second time, watching it sink in and take control of her facial features.

"Yeah, my mom was high when she named me," I confirmed. "How else do you account for the utterly ordinary name of Rachel in one sibling and THAT in another?"

She ignored the second half of that statement.

"Ha! YOUR mom? My mom must have been drunk and high!" she exclaimed.

"C'mon! Your name is pretty!"

She looked at me skeptically.

"Marianna is a GORGEOUS middle name Camille. Now hush!"

She stuck out her tongue.

I splashed her with red KoolAid.

"ACH! I'm meeeelting..."

By that time of course I was already running away.

Yeah. Camille was great.

* * *

James sat on the couch, with a fashion magazine and a bottle of root beer. He was looking over some new Massive Hold 2x hairspray, with an excited look on his face.

Kendall walked in.

"KENDALL!"

Kendall whirled around, putting his hands in a karate chop position.

"Oh, it's just you."

"Yeah, yeah. Look at this Cuda-"

"DON'T CARE!"

"But-"

"No."

"I-"

"No."

"You-"

"NO!"

James sighed. "OK. I won't tell you about the-"

"Nu-uh! SHHHH! As in talk no more! Silence!"

Sigh again. "OK."

Kendall was dressed in pool attire.

"I'm comin' too," James said in a huff.

"Do what you want," Kendall said, waving dismissively as him. "I'll be with Jo."

"All you ever do is hang out with Jo! Hang with me for once! FORGET JO!"

"NO! I have to convince her that I'm not in love with JORDIN SPARKS!"

"FINE!"

"Goodbye James."

"Hmph."

Kendall marched away.

James thought for a moment. "I'm still comin'," he said, as he scrambled out after him.

He looked but he couldn't find Kendall at the pool. Logan told him they had gone to the beach.

"Liar."

"I am not!" Logan said defensively.

"No, no. Not you."

"Oh. Kendall? I mean, he DOES have to convince Jo that he doesn't-"

"Like Jordin. I know." James tapped his foot on the ground.

Logan looked at him knowingly. "You're bored."

"Yup." Then James looked at him. "What are YOU doing?"

"I'm looking for Camille. I thought she was around-"

He was interrupted by a flash of denim and red as a small figure flew by, laughing hysterically. Another figure followed, shouting words of vengeance as she wiped KoolAid from her face. Logan's arm flew out, and Camille was stopped abruptly. She lost her balance and fell. Logan already had his arms out to catch her.

After he had put her back on her feet, he handed her James' towel, which he whipped off his shoulder.

"Hey! That's-"

Logan gave him the evil eye.

"That's... yours. Yeah. Go right ahead," he said timidly, as Camille used it to scrub her face.

"What ARE you doing Camille?" Logan asked with a half amused, half I-know-you're-crazy-and-I-know-I-can't-do-anything-about-it-so-I'll-just-go-with-it, expression on his face.

"I'm trying to catch Ren. She splashed me with red KoolAid! See?" She kissed him firmly. And hold... for... five seconds, not that James was counting or anything, but you know. They broke. Logan licked his lips thoughtfully.

"Yup. That's cherry all right."

"Could you guys please refrain from your disgusting saliva-swapping PDA's? I'm starting to feel scarred," James said grumpily.

Camille exchanged a knowing, if slightly guilty glance with Logan.

"Uh-huh. Of course. Sorry. I always forget." Camille smiled weakly at him.

He sighed. "OK." Wishing to change the subject, "Hey, who's Ren?"

"Oh, Red, Burger Girl, aka Serenity Elizabeth DiPillo?"

James looked momentarily confused. "Um, I guess..."

"She's the most awesome fifteen year old I've met in my life."

"Remember I told you about her, James? The girl we met at the burger place down the street?" Logan nodded a little, saying everything slowly and clearly.

You could practically hear the cogs clicking in James head. Then the little light bulb went "ding!"

"Oh yeah! I remember her now. So you and her are buddies now, eh Camille?"

"Yup. We're besties. I gotta go kill her now, though, so I'll catcha two later."

"Bye babe," Logan and James said at the same time. Logan glared.

James cleared his throat. "Ahem, bye Camille.

"Bye-bye!" she replied, smiling a little. She walked quickly away, her eyes scanning left and right as she went, looking for that ridiculously long ponytail.

"Sorry, man," James apologized.

"I guess it's cool," Logan sighed. "Just try... to, you know."

James frowned. "Yeah."

"Thanks," he said a little shakily. Then much more quickly,"I'm sorry, James. I just have to know you won't do it again-"

"I know, Logan. I won't. I couldn't."

"OK. Thanks."

"Sure." James thumped Logan on the back, dispelling the awkwardness.

"I better go make sure Ren isn't injured or anything," Logan shrugged, grinning.

"Yeah you better."

"Oh, chicken fight tonight by the way! Kendall and you versus me and Carlitos." Logan wagged his eyebrows.

"No way. Carlos is BEAST at chicken. I get him this time."

"You snooze you lose, brother!"

"I didn't snooze!"

"Fine then. First person to get back up to the apartment and ask Carlos AND get a yes, gets him on their team. Agreed?"

"Sure."

"On your mark... get se-"

"GO!" James yelled, as he took off.

"NO FAIR!" Logan shouted after him. "Besides he already said yes to me! So I get him anyway!"

James kept running.

Logan ran after him, muttering something about being pathetic at chicken and "he's mine anyway".

**OK. There's chapter three. I guess not a lot happened in this chapter. It's more like a little connecting chapter. To tell you what happened in the three months, and get up to present day. Hope you liked it. I have to say it was a TON of fun to write. :) So review, and tell what you thought! I feed off of every word, and I NEED them! I'm am now begging you, on the ground at your feet. If you liked it, REVIEW!**

**Thank you as usual to every one of you. I love you all! ^.^ I just love that smiley. Don't you? :D Oh, and I love that one too. :D ^.^  
**

**xoxoxo**

**~Starbucks**


	4. Chapter 4

**Another chapter done. This story is proving to be a lot harder then I would've anticipated. But I'm gonna continue, and hopefully rise to the challenge. :) Enjoy!**

James was walking. Just walking. Away from the Palm Woods. Away from Camille and Logan. Away from the memory.

It's what he had trained himself to do every time he felt like he just couldn't take it. Every time they were kissing or hugging and he wished it could be him. Because he had promised Logan that he wouldn't do it again. He wouldn't be this way. He would try to crush the feeling.

Except for the past month he hadn't been able to. And running away was all he could do.

So he pounded up that street, hoping he would find some kind of distraction.

His feet unintentionally took him to the studio. He hadn't been planning on it, but hey, it was something. He swung open the door, and walked inside.

First thing he noticed was how great the A/C felt. Next he noticed how very abnormally quiet it was. It was never this quiet.

So he walked along all the hallways, and up and down all the stairs, listening for any noise at all. For any person that might still be here. It wasn't even that late. Gustavo wouldn't be gone yet, which meant Kelly should have still been here. So where were they?

He got to the regular recording studio, and peered in. He shook his head. No-one. He almost walked away. Before he saw a small figure sitting on a chair in the corner, her eyes downcast, rubbing polish on a guitar she had lain across her lap. He saw the others leaning up against the wall, shining and so clean he could see his reflection.

"Hey," he ventured.

She raised her eyes. He found himself looking into the oddest combination of gold and brown he had seen in his life. Her eyes were large with long dark lashes, and she looked very tired.

"Do you know if Gustavo's here?" he asked.

"No. He left with Kelly about a half hour ago. I thought everyone had gone home," she said.

"I wasn't- I mean, I didn't... I wasn't here before. I just got here, I mean," he stuttered. She was staring him down in a most uncomfortable way. He found himself unable to look away from her.

"Oh. How'd you get in?"

"Um, the door? It was unlocked. Should I not have come?"

"No, it's fine. Was there anything I could help you with?"

"No, I'm just," he sighed. "No."

She surveyed him. "You're Logan's friend."

"Yup. And you're..."

"Ren."

"Oh right. Burger Girl."

She laughed. It was a little forced, but the smile stayed behind in her eyes after she had gone silent.

"Camille has dubbed you the most awesome fifteen year old she's met in her life."

"Yeah, well Camille is pretty much the most amazing person I've met in MY life. She's just so..." she pondered.

"She's so unpredictable. Which makes it interesting. But she's caring. And you know she's got your back no matter what. She's loyal," James finished for her.

"Yeah... She's great..." Ren clearly hadn't been ready for that detailed description of her best friend.

"You got that right."

"You seem like you know her pretty well."

"We erm... um, well she's Logan's girlfriend. So yeah, I guess I do."

"Is she just Logan's girlfriend? Or is she your friend?"

"She is! I meant that she's more Logan's than mine."

OK, he REALLY hadn't meant for it to come out like that.

"I get what you mean," she said, suddenly looking much more relaxed. She smiled at him, and James almost breathed out in relief. Something about the way her eyes just bore into him, made him kind of feel like she could look into his heart and see what he was thinking. It was unsettling, but strangely interesting.

He saw her eyes drift back to the guitar. Her fingers started dancing unconsciously. He smiled in spite of himself.

"You play guitar."

She looked startled.

"Yeah... How did you know?"

"Your fingers. They're, erm, moving."

She looked down at her hands. Her fingers looked as if they were itching to pluck at those newly cleaned strings.

"Oh. Yeah." She smiled a little weakly.

He returned it. "Here," he said, taking the only uncleaned guitar from the wall. He slung the strap over his shoulder, and positioned it across his chest.

"I don't know how to play really. Kendall's been kinda teaching me because Gustavo says the band needs another instrumental type. Carlos plays like puke, and Logan is mostly tone-deaf, so." He shrugged.

She laughed. Heartened a little bit, he smiled at her. He began plucking. He didn't really know the song. Something by John Mayer. He hummed along softly with the tune.

When he was finished, he looked to the girl. She was grinning.

"You're not bad."

"Haha. Thanks. Let's see you play now."

"Kay."

She pulled the guitar around to the front of her, and began plucking. Except the shock factor was multiplied by about a hundred.

First, he really wasn't expecting her to play their song. Second, he had always thought no-one could do it better than him and the guys.

But there she was. Blowing him away, with her version of Any Kind Of Guy.

She didn't sing, but she hummed a little along to James' parts. Which made him very happy for some reason. He listened to her until she had finished. Then he just stared.

"That's our song."

She looked a little surprised. He had said it rather loudly.

"Um, what the heck do you mean, 'your song'?"

"I mean, it's by Big Time Rush. That's US!"

"No it's not!"

He could see something click in her head.

"Oh yeah. It is,' she amended.

He rubbed his temples. "Where did you hear it?"

"On a stereo a while ago. A bunch of kids, listening to-"

"Big Time Rush?"

"Um, yeah."

"Uh-huh."

"Well, it's an awesome song."

"Thanks! You like it? We have a ton more now. Wanna hear them?"

"Shoosh yeah I do!"

"Well, let's go then!"

"OK! Wait, where are we going?"

"To the Palm Woods. We have a copy of the demos at our apartment."

"OK. Lemme finish and I'll meet you outside in a bit."

"Sure."

So five minutes later, he was leading her down the sidewalk back towards the hotel, chattering to her about their music. She seemed to be listening intently.

They reached the doors, and he held one open for her to walk through. She smiled at him. His knees turned rather gelatinous. He followed her in, and into the elevator, where he pressed the two quickly. They hadn't spoken for a little bit, and he was starting to feel awkward. But they made it to 2J with little or no delay, and he strode in.

Katie was sitting on the couch with Carlos and Stephanie, the former having his arm slung over the latter's shoulder. They were watching something on Animal Planet, which made James laugh. Anything where Katie could watch violence that wasn't rated R.

"Hey guys," he said walking over to the couch and sitting down. "Watcha watching?"

"I don't even know," Stephanie muttered.

"Whatever it is, it's awesome! Who knew Animal Planet could be so cool?"

"Carlos. It's a baby deer getting ripped to shreds by a predator. It's NOT cool."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-uh," she retorted as a particularly loud crunch was broadcasted across the room. She hid her face in Carlos' shirt. He grinned. That may have been part of the reason why he was enjoying it so much. Meanwhile, Ren was no-where to be found.

"Where did she go?" James looked around.

"Who?"

"Ren. She was here, like, two seconds ago."

"I dunno. I didn't even see her walk in," Carlos shrugged. He sat up suddenly, his arm leaving Stephanie. "Wait, what were YOU doing with Ren?"

Stephanie glanced sadly at his arm, and pulled it around to rest on her lap, holding his hand. Carlos grinned stupidly. James rolled his eyes.

Why was everyone in this freakin' apartment so gushy?

"I was gonna play her some of our demos..." Carlos looked at him skeptically. "She asked!" James fired at him a little harshly. The back of his neck was burning.

He heard a laugh come from the kitchen. He glanced around, and saw the tip of a red ponytail swing around the corner. He stood up and walked over to the doorway.

"Yeah, I was just talking to Kendall-" He heard Logan chatting with her.

"Oh, hey James," Ren said, without looking back.

"How did you...?"

"I heard you. You don't have a very light step."

"I do too!"

"Oh yeah, James. Like a ballerina. If rhinoceros's could be ballerinas."

"_I want a rhinoceros's for CHRISTMAS!_" Carlos broke out into song from the living room.

"It hippopotamus, you doof," Katie said.

"I don't like hippopotamus's though..."

Ren laughed.

"Tough kumquats!"

"I don't like kumquats either! Who would like something that sounds like a foot disease?"

James could hear Stephanie dying from laughter. Even Logan chuckled a bit. The phone rang.

"Igotit, igotit, igotit!" Katie screamed, jumping up from the couch to dive for the phone. Logan plucked it up from the tray before she even got close.

"Hello, this is 2J, how may I help you?" he said professionally, grinning wickedly at Katie as she blew a strand of stray hair from her eyes and pouted at him.

"Yeah, hi Jo. Kendall's... out I think." He shrugged at James a little questioningly.

"With Mrs. Knight at the rink?" Logan said quietly to all in the kitchen.

Katie nodded. "New skates," she mouthed.

"Yeah, mhm, he's not in. Want me to tell him you called? You can come over if you want, to wait. Yeah shouldn't be more than a few minutes. They left like an hour ago. Alright, yeah. I'll let him know. Later."

Logan hung up.

"What did she want?" Ren asked. Some would call that rude. James called it spunk.

"Just wanted to know if Kendall's was here, and to call her back. She sounded happy about something." He shrugged again.

"Those two. They make me want to vomit," Katie muttered. "All happy go lucky with MY brother."

"C'mon Katie. They're happy," James said reasonably, although in this instance, he wished he could have high-fived her and most wholeheartedly agreed. His long established friendship with Kendall stopped him. Kendall deserved more than anyone to be happy.

"That doesn't mean I have to like her," Katie retorted.

"True. But it does mean you have to be civil," Logan chimed in.

"I am. I think I control myself pretty well around her."

"What do have against her anyway?" Ren said, hoisting herself up onto the counter and taking a seat. James walked up and leaned up next to her.

"I just don't like her," Katie shrugged.

"Because she's the first girl Kendall's been all confident with? Or because he just doesn't pay that much attention to you anymore?" Ren said, not looking up from a magazine she had pulled onto her lap.

They all stared at her. She flipped the page disinterestedly.

"Both," Katie said. Logan choked on his soda.

"I never knew that!" James said.

"I didn't want you to know."

"So why now?"

"Just came out. Does it matter all that much?"

"Not really, I guess," James said. "I think I've always kinda wondered though."

"Well wonder no more. And I don't hate her. I just don't LOVE her," Katie said to Ren, who was know staring at her quite stoutly.

"I know that," Ren said.

She walked away, back into the living room.

Logan looked a little surprised.

"Kendall pays attention to her. Why would that even matter? I thought she didn't care about what Kendall did."

"Maybe she makes you think that. He seems pretty important to her, if you ask me." Ren popped a grape into her mouth from a bowl on the counter.

"Yeah. Her only brother. I guess I've never really thought about it like that," Logan said.

"I don't think anyone would," James said. "She's Katie. You don't know she's got a shred of soft in her until something like this convinces you."

"Yup. Well, I gotta go get Camille from wherever she's trying out today. Her car got towed the other day, and she needs rides every five minutes." Logan drained his soda and tossed the can into the trash.

"What'd she get towed for?" Ren asked.

"Illegal parking. She gets it taken away for a week, since this isn't her first crime." Logan rolled his eyes.

"Who even bought her that car?"

"Her mom. She seems to think she's not a complete maniac on the road," he said.

"Well, her mom is way too sweet to think bad about anyone. Especially Camille," James said.

"I'm with you there," Ren said.

"Seeya later, guys."

They all said goodbye to Logan, who walked out the door, grabbing the keys from a hook by the door and popping them in his pocket as he went. James turned to Ren, who had handful of grapes in her palm. He raised his eyebrows at her.

"I didn't have lunch," she said.

"Me neither. You up for tacos or something, after we take care of... whatever it was we came here to take care of?"

"What were we here for again?"

James scratched the back of his head. "Demos!" he shouted suddenly. Carlos sniggered from the living room.

"Oh! Right. I forgot."

James laughed. "To the boombox!"

"Huzzah!" she laughed as she slid off the counter, and plopped down beside him. Only now did he see how short she was. She was barely shoulder level. And she had skater shoes with a few inches of wedge, whereas he had regular sneakers. He guessed she was about 5' 2". Maybe less.

They walked together to the one bedroom shared by the four boys. He walked over to the boombox and opened it. Kris Allen was in there. He popped it out, then looked around for the case.

"Where is that dang case?" he said, as he got down on all fours to look on the floor.

"What case?"

"The Kris Allen case!"

"Oh. I don't even know who that is..."

"Well, help me find it!"

"How can I help you if I don't know what it looks like?"

"Ren. It says KRIS ALLEN in huge letters on the front. It shouldn't be all that hard."

"Well, alright then, smarty pants." She got down beside him and combed the floor. After a few minutes of silence, he saw her pop up quickly.

"FOUND IT!" she said loudly. She surveyed the front. "He's hot."

James frowned. "Sure, yeah." He couldn't explain the feeling that had suddenly taken precedence in his mind. He felt kind of sick.

She held the case open for him as he clicked it in place. She shut it.

"So where are the demos?"

"Up here." He reached up to a shelf above one of the bunks. A rack of CD's was hung there. "We have to keep it up here, or else we would lose it. You've seen how hellish this place is." He plucked it from the shelf and opened it up. A pristine copy of their demos was inside. He took it out carefully, and placed it in the stereo, shutting the lid.

She looked around. It almost looked like the room was divided in half. One half was neat and clean-ish. The other half had dirty clothes and junk littering the beds and the floor.

"Why is it..."

"Divided? One half is Logan and Carlos', the other half is Kendall's and mine. Logan makes Carlos clean his stuff, and since Kendall doesn't really care..." He shrugged.

"Ah," she said, smiling a little. "You guys all share one room? Doesn't that get hectic and stuff?" She walked around, picking up a photo of Camille looking very pretty. It was on one of the dressers.

"Sometimes. We're pretty used to it by now." He walked up behind her. She was still looking at the picture. "That's Logan's," he informed her.

"I guessed. How long have they been, you know... together?"

"If you don't count the falling out, two weeks."

He hadn't meant to say that. It slipped out.

"Falling out?" she said quietly.

"Yeah." He didn't say anything. The feeling of guilt was coming back.

"What happened?"

James sighed. He walked over to the stereo and pressed play. Big Time Rush came out. Their first song. Back when things were so much more simple.

She walked over and fiddled with one of the baubles on his dresser. He didn't want to say any more. But she was putting an insane amount of pressure on him to explain. Maybe unknowingly. But that feeling of vulnerability came back when he met her eyes.

"It was my fault, kind of," he said. "No I take that back. It wasn't my fault "kind of". It WAS my fault. All my fault."

She shifted a little from foot to foot. "But they're back together now, so it doesn't matter," she said.

"It does. It matters a lot. Because I haven't forgotten."

"Don't talk about it. It's none of my business anyway."

At that moment, he honestly asked himself, "_Can this girl get any more perfect?_" He smiled at her. He was glad she wasn't staring at him like before. Because he really hadn't wanted her to be able to see that last thought. He was just glad his thoughts were still his own.

She smiled back. Then she turned her attention back to the stereo. "This your first one?"

"Yeah," he smiled fondly. "I remember the day we told Gustavo how it as gonna be. No more taking orders."

"Tell me," she said, sitting down Indian style on the floor.

So he did. He told her about how they got there, the making of the songs. He explained the feeling behind each, and all they had gone through. He told her about how they got the apartment, about The School of Rocque, their mansion sitting adventures, everything that happened with Jordin Sparks, and the heat wave, and the dance. He told her about everything he had treasured, and how he felt about them, something he rarely did. And she listened, and they laughed and talked until it got dark. Then they got tacos, and by the time they parted at her apartment door, James didn't even remember the reason he had gone looking for that distraction in the first place. He just knew he found it. And he couldn't have felt better.

**Chapter four, yippee! I think I like where this is going, eh? :D I got nothing really more to say, except review, and tell me how you think it's going from a non-writers point of view. Thank you all! **

**xoxoxoxox**

**~Starbucks**


	5. Chapter 5

"Where is that girl?" Camille got down on her hands and knees to look under the bed.

"Camille I seriously doubt she's under the bed. There's barely any room!"

"Never underestimate her, Kendall. She's like a atom bomb. Tiny, yes. But deadly."

Kendall sighed, exasperated. "Why don't we just tell her to come out? That we give up?"

Camille looked at him with a scandalized expression. "Give up? Oh no. She's not gonna make me do THAT again."

Kendall scratched his chin. "When did you do it before?"

"Never. I have NEVER given up, so just drop it Kendall Knight. Drop it, or I will douse you with that pitcher of Tang in the kitchen."

Realizing that he had no desire to be covered in tangerine flavored juice drink, he backed up considerably. "Geez, alright. I'll go look in the air ducts again."

Kendall took off, resuming the hide-and-seek game turned search party that he, Carlos, Logan, James, and Stephanie had been engaged in. Jo was back in North Carolina for the weekend, and Katie was with Mrs. Knight shoe shopping. So they had the apartment pretty much to themselves. Kendall wished Jo could have been there. Even if she had been so excited about going, he still wanted to have her here with him. He missed her already, and she had only been gone for a day. But he realized that, much as he loved her, he did need to let her go sometimes. He sighed...

Then jumped as a loud crash resonated throughout 2J. He whirled around to see Carlos, on top of the fridge, with Stephanie standing on the counter beside it. He had knocked down a stack of plates from on top, and now gazed dolefully at the heap of broken ceramic that littered the floor.

"Carlos? Get down! Right now!" Kendall roared.

Carlos stuck out his tongue, but lowered himself carefully off of the refrigerator, and down beside Stephanie on the counter.

"We were seeing if Ren was up there..."

Kendall smacked himself on the forehead. "I swear, you people look in the most ridiculous places. Try a NORMAL place, would ya?" he said, as he lifted Stephanie off the counter and set her gently on the ground. Carlos jumped off after her.

"Fine. We'll try the roof. C'mon Steph," he said, as he grabbed her hand and ran with her to the door.

"OH no you don't!" Kendall exclaimed. He bounded to the door in a few quick leaps and knocked the door shut as Carlos almost reached it. The Latino glared.

"What up, man? Lemme out!'

"No. You two are NOT gonna leave to the roof, just so you can stay up there all day and make out. You are staying here," Kendall said authoritatively.

Stephanie looked at Carlos, who had become downcast in a moment, blushing profusely. She laughed a little, and pecked him on the lips, running away before he could so much as realize.

"C'mon! Try and catch me!" she said tauntingly, sticking out her tongue.

Carlos grinned goofily at her. Then he took off running towards her around the room, up the stairs, down the swirly slide, and down the hall.

Kendall almost smiled. Gross as they were sometimes, she was the most perfect thing for Carlos. And he was VERY happy, anyone could see that.

Of course this just made him think of Jo, and he plopped sadly down on the couch, burying his head in his hands. She always called in the evening, but that was five hours away! He couldn't wait that long! He sighed. Again. Then he stopped himself.

Sitting peacefully under the coffee table, was Serenity, munching on a Kudos bar, with an amused expression on her face.

"You guys are blind, I think," she said to Kendall.

"No..." Kendall said unsurely. "We looked there... Have you been... SWITCHING?"

"You'll never find out!" She slid out from beneath her hiding place and took off running in a single fluid movement.

"Hey! JAMES! She was switching!" Kendall yelled, hoping that James was near enough to hear him.

James skidded down the hall, grabbing Ren around the waist as she rounded the corner. He turned and ran with her in his arms to the couch, where he threw her down so forcefully, she bounced right off and landed on the floor with a light thud.

"OUUUUUCH!" she said loudly. She sprung to her feet quickly, glaring at James. But he just smiled at her.

"What'd you do THAT for? I am not a sack of potato chips!" she yelled. Camille walked in the room, placidly observing the three grouped around the sofa.

"Potato chips couldn't backtalk like you anyway!" James retorted.

"Oh REALLY?"

"You heard me DiPillo!"

"Then let's go!" she said, jumping up and down rapidly, shaking her arms out and cracking her neck. "You and me! Right now!"

"You want to..." James almost doubled over in laughter. "You want to FIGHT me?"

"Heck yeah I do!"

"Ren c'mon, let's be real," he said, almost like a purr, sliding over to her and slinging his arm around her waist. She instantly lost all of her aggressiveness, and merely melded into him. Her back curved and fitted itself like a lost puzzle piece into his side. Camille winked at Kendall knowingly. Ren saw. She sighed and pulled James closer to her.

"Yeah, I guess. There's no way I could fight you," she said. "I mean, I wouldn't wanna hurt you or anything."

James sputtered indignantly. "You wouldn't hurt me!"

"Smoothies for everyone!" Camille said, hoping to avert any bloodshed.

"I second that motion," Kendall replied quickly.

And just as quickly as they had turned enemies, they were best friends, and quarreling good naturedly over which tastes best in a smoothie, blueberries or peaches. James and Ren. The oddest most unlikely couple. Slowly becoming the most prominent partners, in crime and love, the Palm Woods had ever seen. Hand in hand, now talking this, now that, nothing in particular. Just talking for the sake of listening to each other.

"Those two..." Camille muttered, but Kendall could tell she was pleased.

"Only a matter of time now, before it's official," Kendall said.

"I know," Camille said, smiling.

* * *

_"No, I really don't. What do I know about James?"_ Camille thought, watching him and Ren laughing about something. "_Why are they so perfect to me? Why is nothing they do wrong, and everything feels the way it should?_"

Camille wished she could tell herself it felt right because it was. But Camille knew that personalities the likes of those two, don't mix. They're like raspberry seeds in your smoothie. They make for an unpleasant combination, if left to simmer long enough.

But Camille also knew she was hoping and praying that James would like the taste of the raspberries so much, he could ignore the seeds. He could ignore the fact that Ren contradicted everything he said, and never agreed with him. He was not used to someone to changing, so fickle. But also so challenging. It was a personality that was one-of-a-kind, sometimes, not in a good way.

Camille loved Serenity, though, as so few would be able to. She hadn't a single steady trait about her. She was always shy and tired, or exuberant and a little like a puppy. Or she was moody and not talkative, or she was just Ren. The clever, original, no nonsense knock out that Camille had fallen in love with. It was times like these that she wished Ren had had a more supportive upbringing, where someone could have been there to tell her who she was. To help her along.

"I could've been," she muttered out loud hoping Kendall hadn't heard. He hadn't. He was too busy looking away into the distance and sighing over Jo.

One banana colada smoothie later, Camille was walking with Ren down the sidewalk, back to the Palm Woods, having dropped the guys off at some sporting goods store where they were having a sale on who the heck cares what.

It was almost completely silent between them. Which was a rare thing considering Camille wasn't exactly a peaceful person. But she had an inkling that Ren was sad that James had gone. Ren had quarreled with him before he left, trying to persuade him to go back with them. But James seemed to need to get away for a bit. So he had squeezed her hand and smiled and walked into the store with Kendall, leaving her there looking hopelessly forlorn.

"You really like him?" Camille asked suddenly. The sound of her voice, even over the hubbub of the street around them, seemed very loud, and unmistakably clear.

Ren looked surprised, but if she held onto it for more than that moment, Camille wouldn't have known. Her face was a blank slate; as quickly as the emotions came, they fled, as if afraid they would be snatched up and torn open to be revealed for all to see.

"Do I like who?" Of course, Ren was smart. She would play dumb, possibly tricking Camille into thinking of something else. But Camille was obstinate. She wouldn't be thrown off, not for all the pretty blinking and stammering Ren was trying to cover up the question with.

"James."

"Well, of course I like him. I like him, you like him, Kendall likes him, and Carlos, Logan, Steph, Katie..."

"You know what I mean," Camille said, nudging her playfully.

Ren smiled. "Yeah I do." But she didn't say anything else, not for all the prodding Camille did. She couldn't get a straight answer out of her, even as they walked up to the lobby doors.

"Oh well," Camille sighed. "I suppose if I can't get it out of you, no-one can." She shrugged, with absolutely NO intention of giving up. Ren saw this and laughed.

"You always were stubborn Camille."

"Not as much as you dearest."

They fist-bumped quickly, and Ren strode off into the building, smiling at something only her minds eye could see.

Camille watched her go, and kept her eyes on the elevator doors until they shut. She stood there for she didn't know how long, until Logan came to rescue her from her rather painful reverie, promising her movie night. Hand in hand, all thoughts of Ren quickly going out the back door, we went up to 2J, talking of how they hoped Mrs. Knight hadn't made Katie get PINK sneakers.

* * *

It was so weird to hear knocking on my door. At three in the morning. I picked myself up off of the couch wearily, and dragged myself to the door, throwing it open, ready to reprimand whoever had been ready to disturb my not-so-peaceful slumber.

And found myself as giddy as a crack-head within five minutes. Drunk on him, on the smell of cinnamon and the bright flecks of gold in his eyes. I didn't even care if he had a reason to wake me. Just being near him was enough for me.

"Do you have this effect on everyone?" I said, yawning sleepily as my head rose and fell with his every deep breath, my heart and his keeping nearly perfect time as we feel asleep on my couch, hopelessly tangled in each other.

"I could ask you the same thing," he said, weaving his fingers in and out of my tangle of hair. His other hand was wrapped around my shoulders, as if shielding me from a hostile night.

"Don't though. I know you've liked other girls." I felt so comfortable. I really didn't want to move. But despite my body's protests, I raised my head off his chest enough to see the expression on his face. It was painfully familiar. He never wanted to talk about us. About how much we knew we had liked each other these past few months. He seemed sadly unwilling.

"Ah, Ren. Can we not talk anymore?" he said, frowning and pulling me nearer.

"Sure. But James?"

"Mhm?"

"Would you kiss me?"

He looked down at me. I could tell he wanted to, because he got a little closer with each breath. I was so ready; to feel what I had been waiting for, the feeling of those perfect lips joining with my own. But he tore his eyes away, and lay his head down.

"Good night, Serenity."

I didn't reply. I just tried to numb the pain that came whenever he came to me like this. Begging for comfort, but so unaware of how much I needed him in return.

He didn't stir when I lifted myself out of his embrace when morning came. He usually found his way out of the apartment before any of my family awoke anyway. He didn't need me.

No-one heard me when I cried myself back to sleep in my bed, trying not to wake my sister. Away from his arms where I knew he wouldn't give me what I had wanted. It was a strange thing. To not cry for so long, and then to let all the tears out in a matter of weeks. I had often wondered what it felt like to have your heart break. I think I had a feeling that now I knew.

* * *

James came in before he left her. Because every night had been the same. He would be burning hot with envy and pride and ANGER... so much anger. It was all he could do not to strangle Logan in his sleep. He would leave his apartment, and seek that cooling comfort only she could bring.

She would always ask, one way or another. Ask for that simple little four letter word he dreaded from her lips. But he had to admit, there had been a few times when he had almost done it. Almost given in. She always was so close, and you had to know Serenity to know the kind of temptation she brought with her whenever she fell into you. He would be so happy, so very happy, because she was. Last night was as close as he had ever gotten. But then...

The same thing. A pair of dark sparkling eyes, and a merry laugh, accompanied by a deep smell of cherry. And he just couldn't do it. He couldn't stand to taste Camille on her tongue. To remember that horrible thing he had done, that he still couldn't fully repent of. It would break Ren's heart. And shatter his.

He would kiss the tears from her eyelashes, and squeeze her hand. He wished he could forget Camille. He didn't deserve this little girl who was giving her heart to him, unconditionally, asking for nothing but a kiss. For his love in return. And he couldn't even give her that.

He would tear away his eyes, and go back home, burying his face in his pillow to hide Logan from sight. Hoping, desperately praying, she would continue to love him for even one more day.

**I know it's really rushed, and I find that now my writing is taking on that quality. I've been working on this for forever! And I just can never get it just right. I guess I doomed to be a perfectionist forever more. :(**

**But I hoped this was an OK chapter for you to read. And now, hopefully, if you liked it, you will review and tell me WHY you liked it, or if you hated it... ahem, you get the point. Be gentle with me! XD**

**Thank you to all who have reviewed so far, or put this on faves or alert or anything really. It makes me a lot more confident with myself knowing I could pull this kind of thing off. :)**

**Thank you my lovelies! xoxoxo**

**~Starbucks  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**I know it's been a while, huh? Sorry, I just had major writers block that I've hopefully left in the dust, and then I had a cold and a cough, then a fever and now... urp. I know it's not a great chapter. I'll be the first to admit it. But it had to be done, and I don't regret it. So read, and try to remember that I'm gonna try and do better. :)**

**I think I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all the people who review on a regular basis. It means so much to me, and I just want you all to know that YOU are the ones who get me pumped to write. :) I know I don't take it very seriously, and no, writing is not my whole life. But I love doing it a darn lot more than anything else. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve to get any readers, considering the mediocrity and amateurish quality I write with. I'm not trying to be humble, or unselfish of any of that crap. I'm just trying to get across to a lot of you what your R&Ring means to me, and how happy it makes me to realize I'm not completely hopeless yet. **

**OK. I'm done now. XD And on with the story!**

I don't know how long I slept for. I just know it was really light in my room by the time I opened my eyes. I looked over to Rachel's bed. She wasn't there. I dragged myself to my feet, wobbling but able. My whole body ached. I felt like turning around then and there, and crashing for the rest of the day. Just because I knew I was gonna regret anything that came my way on this horrid Sunday.

Call me absolutely hopeless, but I kinda wished James had stayed. It didn't even matter that last night had been the most painful of my life. Just him being here, I know I would've felt better.

I walked groggily out into the kitchen, hoping there was at least half a cup of coffee left. There wasn't. I sighed.

_"The beginning of the WORST day of my life."_ I rubbed my eyes._ "And now, I'm gonna have to talk to him about last night. Like we do every time." _I sighed again. _"Except I really don't want to."_

It had been like this for a month and a half. Him coming over at least four times a week, out of the blue, sometimes in the wee hours of the morning. Me craving his presence every night, hoping it would be different maybe, but becoming desperate with confusion the moment dawn arrived.

Did he just NOT love me at all? I mean what could I say? I couldn't make him kiss me. And why was that dumb lip-lock so freakin' important to me, anyway? It should just have been enough that he told me he liked me, and was actually paying me any attention at all.

But it wasn't. I couldn't just take this lying down. I had to figure out why he wasn't giving me his all, when I was giving him mine.

Something wasn't perfect, something in the way. Blocking US.

Maybe... there's another girl?

No, no. James is waaaaay too fleeting to have an actual girlfriend.

_"Then why the heck are you hoping that's what you can be? If you know him that well, it's never gonna happen."_

Ever have one of those moments where you almost bash your head in trying to make all those little voices in your head just shut-up?

I had to get my mind off of him. But that was so impossible. How could I force myself to do something I dreaded doing, even if it was for the best?

Camille always cleared my head. I needed to talk to her. So I threw on a pair of jean shorts and a huge gray tee, whipping a comb through my hair as fast as I could. No make-up, but who cared anyway. Not James. He had assured me of that much.

I pounded on the door of 5B. But there wasn't any noise coming from the other side. I opened it a crack and saw it was silent as the grave in there. Camille never slept this late. So she was out, and her mom was at work.

I stepped away from the door dejectedly. It was times like these that I realized how much I needed her. I never would have thought best friends could be this important.

My stomach clenched suddenly, reminding me of how empty it was. I didn't care though. I didn't want to leave without talking to Camille. I turned around and sunk to the floor, my back against the wall. I rested my hands on top of my knees with the express intention of waiting till she got home. Yes, I was at the end of my nerve supply. That last one was already frayed, coming undone faster than I would've liked.

I hadn't heard anyone come up beside me. So when Logan said, "You do know that she left for another audition about an hour ago?", I jumped about a mile.

"Sorry!" he apologized, gripping my shoulder and bringing me slowly to my feet. "Sorry. I scared you."

"Yeah, you did," I said shakily.

"I'm sorry. I-"

"Don't worry about it. But Logan? Do you know when she's coming home?"

"I don't really. It was a pretty major role. She said it could take a few hours, maybe more."

I groaned.

"Why? What do you need her for?" he said. His hand was still on my shoulder, in a comforting gesture.

"I just need to talk to her." I fidgeted a little, looking up and down the hall, hoping to see her coming towards me right then, brimming with news about the audition.

"Oh. Well, OK. I guess I'll come and get you when she calls me to come and pick her up. You can come, if you want."

I breathed out in relief. "Yes, please." My stomach clenched again, and I winced.

"Alright. But, Ren... is it anything... you maybe could talk to me about? I'm here for you, you know."

I looked at him. He looked so happy to help and it just broke my heart when I realized how much he wouldn't get it. James was his friend, but I didn't think he would understand this problem between us. I needed advice, someone to just tell me it's alright. I know that's not how you solve problems, but I didn't know what else I could do that wouldn't hurt too bad. Sure, I was a coward. But this was the first time ever I had even had someone close to me this way, and I was still learning.

Sucks it had to be this wrong the first time I fell in love.

Tears stung my eyes. In that hallway, for the first time in my life, I was praying I wouldn't cry. In front of Logan, no matter how much he wanted to help. I couldn't have lived with myself knowing I had let myself fall for a guy so hard that I cried over him.

I felt Logan's arms come around me about the same time that I felt those accursed tears pouring down my face. I didn't sob. I just breathed heavily, and sniffled a little.

Logan murmured soothing words that I couldn't recall, but was grateful for all the same. He rested his chin on the top of my head, and stroked my hair softly. I remembered in that instant that I had had a crush on him to start with. But no matter how much I tried to summon that feeling of elation he had once given me, I just kept getting cinnamon and gold, grating on my heart, cracking off piece after piece. I could almost hear it going on, could hear the deafening snap and crash as the pieces fell to the ground.

I raised my head after who knows how long, and Logan took my face in his hands, wiping away my tears gently, and smiling. I felt like such a baby. But I knew that no matter how little I cared to admit it, I had needed that. Even though it wasn't Camille, I could feel the pain growing dimmer. Not gone, but minimized. I knew I could take it.

"I'm sorry that you can't tell me. I just wanted to help you," he said.

"I know, and I think you're great for that. But I need Camille right now, and no-one else."

He sighed, but curled my hair behind my ears and smiled again anyway. "OK," he said. "I'll get her to you as soon as I can. But for now, I have to go to the studio. We have almost a full day of recording from here on out, and I'm already late."

I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want the pain to come back. I looked at my flip-flop clad feet, and hoped he would read my mind.

"You want to come with? I mean, I know it's Sunday and all and you don't work, but you could come and watch, if you want."

I beamed at him. "Sure, I'll come."

"Great," he replied. "But we gotta hurry, or else Gustavo is gonna murder me."

On the way down, we met Kendall, who was huffing and puffing as if he had run down a million stairs.

"Where have you been?" Logan said accusingly. "We haven't see you all day." I looked at the clock. It was almost one. Geez, I had slept well.

"I was, ahem... erm, talking to Jo..." he mumbled.

"On the phone? For three hours."

"Um, yeah."

"The sooner she gets back, the better. Are you sure you won't DIE of loneliness before then?"

Kendall sighed, choosing to ignore the sarcasm. "Five more days."

"You'll definitely die," Logan said confidently. "Are you aware that WE are already late? For recording?"

"I know. I got down here as quick as I could, didn't I?"

"Sure. C'mon. Or you won't be alive to meet Jo at the airport on Friday."

Logan drove me and Kendall to Rocque Records. Kelly was waiting outside, with a very grim expression on her face.

"Where have you been?" she greeted them harshly. "You know you're eight minutes late?"

"Sorry," Kendall said with a wounded expression. "I had... something, to do."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Let's just go in and stop any further damage."

"Hi, Ren," Kelly greeted me with a smile. "How are ya?"

"Not too bad," I replied cordially. "You?"

"Enough with the formalities," Kendall remarked impatiently. "Let's just GO in."

So we did.

Carlos was running around the studio, leaping over obstacles in his way, while Gustavo looked on with an expression of disgust.

"DOGS!" he yelled, catching sight of Kendall and Logan. His eyes found me standing beside Kelly. "DiPillo," he said."You don't work today."

"I know that. Just thought I'd come to watch my boys in action," I said. Carlos had stopped his marathon, and was beaming at this statement.

"Where's James?" Kelly finally asked. Not that I had noticed that the moment I walked in, but... oh, who am I kidding. It was like winter without him here.

"I thought he was already here..." Logan said confusedly.

We heard front door open, and felt a rush of warm air float down the hall. The door slammed, and in ran James, looking disheveled, but present all the same.

"I'm HERE!" he shouted to no-one in particular. "Don't kill me!" he said, at the murderous glance he got from Gustavo.

"Where have you BEEN?" the man yelled.

"I... I overslept," he said, running his hand through his hair.

"Dude," Carlos put in. "It's almost quarter after. You must have had a REALLY bad night."

"Yeah," James said wearily. He looked horribly undone, with huge bags under his eyes.

_"Am I the reason you were up all night? Or is it just the guilt? You must have not even slept when you were with me._

_"Then again, neither did I."_

He didn't seem to have noticed me standing there, and I hoped he would look around, and see the look in my eyes. I hoped he would just cry when he saw how broken I was.

But he didn't. He joined the other guys in the booth, and sang his heart out, with no mistakes, in that angel voice I loved so much. And I listened, and I was proud of him, proud of them all.

I stayed there all day. Just watching him. Trying to find some secret message written on his face just for me. Some explanation.

But his eyes stayed on the mic or on Gustavo, and his face was as blank as the diary my parents had bought for me for my ninth birthday. I knew he knew I was there. But he chose to not have to face me. He chose to run away. In that moment, I felt like I had nothing left to hope for. That he was already gone.

Mrs. Knight came to pick up Carlos, Kendall, and James at Logan's request. Him and I were going to get Camille. It was almost nine o'clock. I was so tired and so down, I didn't think I would have enough energy to talk to Camille about the night before anyway.

All the same, I was happy when I saw her waiting for us outside when we pulled up to the plain gray building. She smiled and bounded up to us, kissing Logan full on the mouth, and then giving me that hug I had been needing since the moment I woke up.

When we got back to the Palm Woods, it was dark, and I was dead on my feet. I had only been awake for a few hours, but I felt like I needed to sleep for a long time. I asked if I could stay the night at her place, since I didn't want to go home. She agreed, and I had only to inform my parents and grab a t-shirt at my apartment.

I drowned my woes in a bowl of garlic-parmesan gourmet popcorn and an all night marathon of Everybody Hates Chris. Camille sat beside me on the couch, chattering mindlessly about her day. I had listened as far as where I heard she would get her call-back sometime tomorrow. I really wanted to listen, but I was so tired, I drifted off. Just as I closed my eyes, I felt her hand on my hair as she pulled a blanket around me. Her soothing movements and the peace and quiet of the apartment made me drop off to a night of deep sleep and abstract dreams, where I was always chasing after something unattainable. I'm no psychiatrist, but I knew exactly what it would have been if I had ever gotten it. I just never wanted to have to face the fact. The fact that I knew he really was, in every sense of the word, unattainable.

* * *

Camille got up and stretched, sparing the slumbering girl on her couch a single glance. She moved a lock of hair away from her face, and Ren stirred. But she didn't wake.

Gosh, she looked so pale. Camille had known something was bothering her the moment she had seen her face in the passenger seat of Logan's car. But since Ren hadn't brought it up, Camille hadn't had the heart to pry. She knew she would tell her when she was ready. Whenever that was.

She did the things she did every morning. Showered, got dressed, ate a little something. She made a pot of hot coffee for Ren, and then headed over to 2J. She had nothing better to do then to hang out with the love of her life all day.

She didn't knock. Just went right in. Logan was sitting on the floor of the living room scrawling hastily on a piece of note-book paper, with his Algebra book open in front of him. James was tapping away furiously on his computer, and Kendall was sitting beside him, trying in vain to interest himself in Carlos throwing a bouncy ball up in the air, and trying to catch it on his outstretched tongue.

"Good morning, my lovelies!" Camille sang, as she glided over to Logan and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"Morning..." Logan muttered distractedly, as he referred to his book for the fifth time this minute.

Kendall gazed in her direction. "Morning Camille. Why are you over here so early?"

"It's not early!" Camille protested. "It's after nine!"

"That's early," Logan said, looking up from his book.

"Oh well. If you don't WANT me here, then I'll just-"

Logan pulled her down onto the couch behind him. She smiled as Logan pressed her hand to his lips.

"Fine," she said. "I'll stay. Just because you're so desperate."

Kendall was looking at them sadly. "Four days..."

"Oh, buck up Kendall! She'll be back before you know it!" Camille said encouragingly.

"That's not soon enough!" Kendall groaned, sinking back onto the couch and burying his face in a pillow.

"I swear, Kendall..." James said. "Just calm down. She's a single human being. You're life does NOT depend on her presence."

"But this is the first time she's gone away for this long! I can't help it if I miss her!"

"True," Logan said. "But you can stop being so mopey about it."

"How would YOU feel if Camille left for Connecticut for two weeks? Wouldn't you be bummed?"

"Yeah..." Logan said slowly.

"But I'd call him every night, and tell him not to be sad, and that I couldn't wait to be with him again. And that I love him," Camille said.

"She does." Kendall looked a little more hopeful.

"Then you have nothing to worry about. She'll be home on Friday, and then you'll be together again," Logan offered.

Kendall sighed. But he smiled for what seemed like the first time in ages. "OK. I'll be alright, I think."

"Yeah you will," James said, snapping his laptop shut, and stretching out on the couch beside Kendall.

They heard a mildly strangled noise. Carlos had caught the ball. It was now lodged in his mouth.

"Mph MHPHM mmmhmph!" Carlos said.

Logan got up and slapped him very hard on the back. The ball went flying across the room, nailing Camille in the head just as she stood up to avoid it. She spluttered, then picked it up and hurled it back at him. It bounced off his head with a dull thud.

Carlos rubbed his head sadly. "I CAUGHT it..." he deciphered.

James sighed.

"What should we do today?" Camille said, huffing a little and smoothing down the front of her shirt. "I'm bored."

"Let's play hide-and-seek!" Carlos said happily.

"No," they all said at once.

Now Carlos sighed.

"Let's go to the beach?" James said, rubbing his eyes. He really did NOT look so good.

"It's too hot," Kendall said.

"So what then?" James said harshly. Then he smacked himself, and fell back onto the couch with a plop and a depressed "arrg".

"What's wrong?" Kendall asked.

"Nothing," James lied. "I'm just... tired."

"Yeah, you've been that a lot! Where were you in the studio yesterday? It's like you just didn't care... you were going flat and not getting the lyrics right..." Carlos shook his head.

James glared at him. "I was fine. I just need more sleep."

"You overslept yesterday," Kendall pointed out.

"I know that! What is this, Twenty Questions or something?" James said incredulously.

"We weren't really asking you anything. We were merely stating known facts-" Logan said.

"ARG!" James said again, storming away from them angrily.

"What is his problem?" Kendall said, peering after him.

"I don't know..." Logan mumbled, slamming his book shut with the paper inside. "He's been acting weird for days."

"Maybe..." Carlos started. But he didn't say anything else, and left everyone hanging after he walked out after James.

"Geez! What is wrong with you guys?" Kendall exclaimed, throwing his hands up. "We can't even have a simple conversation without someone bursting into tears, fist-fighting, or leaving!"

"Camille..." Logan said. His eyes were on the place where James had disappeared to. "How was Ren yesterday when you talked to her?"

Camille blinked. "Ren? Well, she spent the night, but we didn't talk. She seemed really tired, and she fell asleep while I was telling her about the audition." She shrugged.

"Oh," Logan said.

"Why? Did she need to talk to me?"

"Well, yeah! Yesterday I was walking to your apartment to get that CD you borrowed and I saw Ren standing at your door. She looked really hopeless and depressed, and she said she REALLY needed to talk to you. That was why she came with me to pick you up."

"But she didn't talk to me..."

"I know! But it was important. She was crying," Logan said impressively.

"Crying?" Kendall said in disbelief.

"Yeah. And I couldn't get her to tell me what was wrong. She just cried there for like ten minutes."

"And you didn't COMFORT her or anything?" Camille exclaimed.

"I tried!" Logan said, covering his head with his hands for protection. "But she just wouldn't stop!"

"Hmmmmmmm..." Camille said thoughtfully. "It must have been pretty serious. She rarely cries."

"I know," Logan said.

"So whatever it was, she needs to get it off her chest. Real bad. Did you try to get it out of her?"

"I offered," he said. "But she said she just needed to talk to you."

"Oh." Camille moved around a little restlessly. "When I left to come here, she was asleep. I made coffee... maybe the smell woke her up."

"You wanna go check?" Kendall asked.

"I don't know. She looked pretty tired and not completely well this morning. Maybe I should just let her sleep..."

"Yeah, you should. I think that's probably for the best right now," Logan assured her. "Whatever it was, she'll be sure to tell you when she's ready."

Camille sighed, but nodded. "OK. I'll try and not freak out until then," she laughed.

"Good."

The room was silent for awhile.

"So..." Kendall hesitated.

"So." Camille twiddled her thumbs.

"Maybe we should go check on James," Logan said.

"And Carlos," Kendall added hastily.

"I think I'll go home and see if Ren is awake." Camille got up.

"OK," Logan said sadly. "But come back over later?"

"Of course I will! And I'll bring Ren." Camille pecked Logan on the lips, and left.

Now it was Logan's turn to sigh.

**I KNOW, this was uber boring, and I'm not entirely sure why I wrote it like this, but it got me past my writers block! So sorry if it wasn't very entertaining. I guess I meant for this story to be a lot better than it's turning out. XD Oh well. I'll keep trying.**

**Review! Please, please, please! And renew my strength and courage to keep on writing! :) That's what reviews do for me.**

**xoxoxoxo Thank you!**

**~Starbucks**


	7. Chapter 7

**Another chapter? Impossible! Not THAT quick. Yes, oh yes. I cranked this one out EXTRA speedily. I apologize for anything that isn't as good as you were hoping. XD I did it quickly, with minimal proofreading. Read and enjoy anyway! :)**

James was pacing. Up and down his room, trying not to think about how horrible he was being about all of this. He didn't want to talk, to Kendall or Camille, not Logan, and least of all to Carlos. He got a MAJOR flashback when he saw him with that hopelessly confused and sympathetic look on his face, walking into their room. James knew he was going to ask about why he had been acting so weird, but James didn't know if he would answer, or even if he could.

Carlos didn't say anything. He sat down on his bunk, and just stared at the same point on the wall. For a long time. It was fifteen minutes later when he stopped and turned around to look Carlos in the face.

"Aren't you going to say something?" James asked.

Carlos shook his head, a little sadly at James's tone. "Nope."

"Well, then, get out, would ya?" James knew that sounded weak. But he let the words take control and infuriate him anyway.

"James-"

"No, Carlos! I cannot go through this again!"

"Go through what again?"

"Oh no, you don't! You aren't getting ANYTHING out of me this time!"

"James, what the heck? What's the matter with you?" Carlos stood up and drew himself up to his full height. Which wasn't very tall. James still towered over him.

"Nothing!" James yelled. "I just can't... I can't..."

"Can't what James? Can't tell me what's wrong? Because if you don't, I'm gonna beat the crap-"

"Carlos, just stop. OK? Talking isn't gonna help this time. Nothing you say or do is gonna make me feel better about any of this." James turned away, and sat down.

But Carlos just stood there. Against the wall, staring at him.

"What do you want now?" James asked wearily.

"I want answers. Believe it or not, there is a room of people out there who CARE about you! You, James! So could you maybe stop our agonizing worry and tell me what's wrong?"

James paused. "You guys are worried about me?"

Carlos snorted. "Well, yeah! Earth to James!" He knocked on his head a little. "Brothers forever, remember? Brothers are there for each other."

James did remember.

"I don't know how to explain it," James mumbled. He didn't know where to start. Maybe that was his problem. He could never say exactly what was on his mind. That was Kendall's strong point.

"Then try. I'll help you," Carlos said.

James looked at him. Carlos sat down on the floor beside him. James sighed.

"OK. I guess..." James started.

"No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. You have to start about what the problem is about. One word." Carlos held up one finger to make this perfectly clear.

James rubbed his eyes. "OK... I guess... it's about..." James sighed again, knowing it wouldn't be any easier to admit than it had been the first time.

"Camille."

James started. Carlos was looking at him knowingly.

"How... how did you-" James spluttered.

"I know that look, James. You're thinking about her."

"Yeah, well. Not JUST her." James felt very sad thinking about Ren. He really did want to give her his all! He really did. But he couldn't let go of Camille.

"Who then?" Carlos asked. But James knew he already knew.

"Ren." He said it out loud anyway.

"You really like her?"

"Well, yeah I do. I mean, how could you not like her? She's amazing!"

Carlos chuckled. "She is pretty great. From a purely big-brotherly point of view," he added, seeing the look on his face. James didn't say anything, which prompted Carlos into silence. Then he spoke. "Geez, James. This stuff always happens to you, huh?"

James almost laughed at the truth of it all. "Yeah," he said. "Yeah it does."

"So what are you thinking about doing?" Carlos asked.

"I don't know! I thought that's what you were here for!"

"Nah, man! you gotta figure this out for yourself!"

"You said that last time," James muttered darkly, resisting the urge to punch him.

"And I'll say it a million more times, if you're not lucky," Carlos grinned.

James didn't know where to go from this point on out. He knew he loved Ren. He knew he still loved Camille. But what else was there? You're not allowed to be with two girls. You have to choose.

Not that there was much of a choice. Camille belonged to Logan. So that only left Ren. So why on earth wasn't he over there right now, kissing her with everything in him?

_"Because you're afraid,"_ that little voice inside him said. _"Afraid that she'll get taken away from you, just like Camille." _James pounded on his head with the heel of his hand, trying to shut it all out.

"I think-" Carlos started.

"No, you know what? I'm just gonna out with it, OK?" James said, standing up quickly.

Carlos staggered to his feet beside him. "Al- alright," he stuttered, looking nearly shocked.

James took a breath to steady himself. "I love Ren, but my love for Camille is getting in the way of all she wants us to be. I can't take it, Carlos. I just can't. I can't take always feeling afraid and in pain like this. This has to end. Sooner rather than later."

"I know, man. I know! So what do you do?"

"I need to get over that darn girl, that's what I need to do! I need to like, watch her and Logan kissing for an hour. Then maybe I'll be cured." He rubbed his forehead.

"Or dead..." Carlos mumbled. James shot him a "look". Carlos looked down. "I'm just saying... They can get pretty gross..."

"CARLOS!"

"Shutting up now!"

"Yes! You should! Maybe I should just tell Ren all of this, after all. Save everyone the trouble."

"Wait, woah woah woah. You haven't TOLD Ren ANYTHING? About you and Camille and what happened-"

"No, OK? I haven't. I was just... in denial I guess."

"Well, you may still have time. I don't understand why you wouldn't have in the first place. I mean, it's fairly-"

"Easy? No, it definitely is not."

Carlos was staring at him expectantly.

James caved. "Alright, alright. I'll talk to her tonight about it. Tell her everything. OK?"

"Good," Carlos said, satisfied. "I'm gonna go back out there and act normal."

"I'll come."

Carlos looked at him skeptically. "Wouldn't you rather be alone for a few more minutes?"

James shook his head. "I'm done with acting that way. I'm gonna come clean, and be straight about everything. From now on."

"Wow." Carlos was staring at him. "That's... really cool."

"I'm glad you think so."

"I'm very proud of you, James."

"Yeah, yeah. Could you go back to being all immature and goofy now? This new grown up "I'm proud of you for solving all your own problems" Carlos is starting to creep me out."

* * *

"Hello, my darling!" Camille said to me, as she walked into her apartment. I had just walked out of the shower, and was sipping on a lovely mug of coffee she had so aptly prepared for me. I waved to her. She looked very happy this morning.

"Hello, dearest," I replied. "Where have you been? Mmmm, with a certain adorable, geometrically savvy boy with those cute little dimples we all love?"

"You bet," she said, beaming. "How did you sleep?" She slid into a bar stool and rested her elbows on the counter, staring at me intently.

"Fine. Not horrible, not great. Somewhere in the middle," I said, vibrating my hand up and down to illustrate this instance.

"Well, that's just dandy!" she exclaimed.

"Indeed. Gee, Logan sure made you happy this morning, huh?" I took a swig of my sugar-saturated beverage.

"Doesn't he always? But that's not what we're gonna talk about for now."

"What are we gonna talk about?" I asked, shrinking back from the directness in her voice.

She cleared her throat. NEVER a good sign, by the way.

"This morning, I've been informed by Logan that you had a rather... wet, episode yesterday? Involved a lot of comforting and nameless sobbing?"

"I wasn't sobbing!" I said incredulously. Camille looked at me skeptically. "I wasn't sobbing," I repeated with a firm air. "I cried... yes. But I didn't sob!"

"Oh, Ren! What was the matter? Logan said you had wanted to talk to me, but I was at that worthless audition!"

"It was nothing!"

"Serenity..."

"Really, Mille. It was nothing. It's over now. I know what to do." I shrugged, and then drank some more coffee.

I did know what I was gonna have to do. I was just gonna have to suffer through it, and hope that someday he surprised me by sweeping me off my feet and loving me unconditionally. Until that day, I would just play it cool and not worry.

Just the thought of leaving him made me die a little inside. So I had vowed this was what I would do.

"What are you gonna do? Ren, let me help you!"

"You can't OK? It's just between me and Ja-"

I stopped myself suddenly, trying to look casual as my stupid shaking hand took another sip of coffee.

But Camille had me cornered. Right where she wanted me, and where I had hoped I wouldn't have to be forced into.

"James?" she said quickly. "What about James? Are you and him doing alright?"

Her tone was feverish and hurried, as if she felt like it was her fault that James didn't love me.

Hmph. As if.

"We're doing... yeah, I mean, we're doing..."

Oh, hang it all! Those thrice accursed drops of salt water were coming down hard now. And this time I was sobbing without restraint.

"No, we're not doing fine," I said in a choked sort of way, pushing her away when she came up to comfort me. "We're doing horrible, and there's not a thing I can do or say to figure him out!"

"What happened?" Camille said in a small voice.

"What happened?" I said. "What happened?" I yelled, my voice growing louder with every word. Camille shrank back, and I felt like slapping myself. But the anger was already let, and I couldn't stop the feeling from raging and burning all conscience and good judgment from my heart.

"What happened is I would freakin' DIE for that boy, and he wouldn't even give me one kiss. One little gosh darn kiss! Is that so impossible! He always says he's not ready, or just leans away, like I'm some horrific CREATURE!"

Camille was looking at me sadly, with something a little like remorse in her eyes.

"I have wanted to kill myself for a month and change, because I was so ready to give him my all, every part of me, everything I was, and he couldn't even make me feel like it would all be worth it. Because when I get that close, so close to him, and he says no, so many times, I want to die. I'm begging someone to kill me when he says good night, because I can't figure out why I'm just... not... good enough!" I sobbed the last phrase, and buried my face in my hands. I could feel the drip of tears hitting the counter, falling through my fingers, and I wondered if maybe that was my soul pouring out with them. I wondered if I'd be an empty shell when I was through, because letting all of that out... there can't possibly be anything left.

I heard Camille shuffle across the floor a little towards me, and pull me into her. I sobbed into the front of her shirt. This hurt so bad. I just wanted it to all be over.

She led me gently over to the couch, and sat me down beside her. I was still crying. Less violently now, but the tears were still coming. She sat there with me until my eyes were as dry as they had ever been, then she told me to look at her.

I imagined what she must have seen. A red-eyed girl, so broken it was a wonder she didn't fall to pieces right then. A pretty pathetic sight.

"I think," she began, cautiously. "I think it's time I told you about something that happened a little bit ago... Maybe it'll help explain some things."

**A very short one. But I got it done in a couple of days, so I think I made up for it. I am EAGER to be finished with this story, so I can write other things I've been putting off for way too long. XD Review! **

**xoxoxo**

**~Starbucks  
**


	8. Chapter 8

**Wow. Chapter 8 already. Time does fly. XD Sorry if the first scene leaves anything to be desired. I couldn't exactly get it perfect, even in my head. :P Hopefully you'll read it anyway. :)**

I don't know what I was expecting her to tell me. I just know the first thing that popped into my head was "Gosh, this had got to be bad. Look at her face."

And it was true. She was pale, and her hands were shaking. I don't know exactly what she had to be afraid of. I was sure that what she had to say couldn't possibly as bad as she was anticipating.

"Ren..." she began. "I think the only way I can tell you..."

"Tell me what? Camille what's the matter? Did something happen?" She wasn't quite meeting my eyes. Dang, it was that bad.

She shook her head. "It happened a little bit ago. Before I even met you, though. It was... well, it's not an easy thing to explain..."

I was quiet. I didn't want to say anything that would keep her from telling me.

"Just... well, I guess... it was just something that I and Logan..." She stopped.

"OK," I said, prodding her gently. This was so weird. But I was determined to get it out of her.

I was holding my breath._ "Please don't say anything about James, please don't say anything about James, please don't say anything about James..."_

"It involved me and Logan," she said with a final air.

I breathed out.

"And James."

I could've cried. So this was it. The reason why he didn't love me the way he should've. Here it comes...

"What happened?" I whispered.

"Ren, I'm sorry!"

"For what?" I said weakly. "You haven't even told me anything yet."

"It was... I wasn't expecting it. I didn't even know it could happen. None of us could believe it."

I sighed. "James... likes someone else?"

Camille took a big breath. "He did. Or that's what he told me, anyway."

"Who was it?"

"Well, I don't think-"

"Camille."

"OK." She held her head in her hands. "He told me he loved..." she gulped. "Me."

I could not have been more speechless had she suddenly reached out and slapped me in the face. Immediately, I realized I couldn't look at her.

_"It's not her fault, Serenity. This happened before they even knew you. How could James have known he would have liked you one day? He couldn't have. So don't look at her like that."_

Too late. She had already seen my expression. She looked very guilty. And sad. I wanted to wipe the expression away, and just watch her face go blank. I didn't want to have to face the fact that Camille was the reason for this broken heart.

"Did you two... were you together at all I mean?"

"Not really," she said. "I guess it was more that he kissed me and I-"

I choked on the lump in my throat.

"Ren, I swear, I didn't mean to. I would never have done it if I knew..."

"You couldn't have known. It's not your fault." But deep in me, I knew that that wasn't what I had wanted to say.

"It is. Partly. I mean, I shouldn't have let him kiss me in the first place. I was with Logan... it was like cheating."

I could have laughed at her. "Camille it was one kiss. It doesn't matter."

"Clearly it does. I made a mistake, Ren. I'm sorry. You have every right to be mad..."

"Did you love him?" I mumbled. I could understand what happened well enough. I didn't need any more explanation. I was mad at her, at James, at everyone. And I couldn't stop.

"Did I what?" she asked, confused.

I could feel tears pouring down my face. But I didn't care. I didn't try and stop them, even though I thought I had cried myself out.

"Did you love him?" I said, louder this time. I pushed her away when she tried to hug me.

"I- I... I-" She looked away. "I don't know. I guess I kinda did. For a little bit. It was hard for me to tell him I wanted to be with Logan rather than him, if that means anything."

_"It doesn't,"_ I thought to myself. _"It doesn't mean you loved him. It just means you felt guilty for turning him down because you're a good person. But you never loved him. Not like I do."_

I couldn't pardon her. Why was I being so stupid about all of this? It happened too long ago for me to care this much.

She was watching me closely. A sudden surge of anger flared up in me. What was I, some kind of experiment? Was she watching to see how I would react to all this?

I turned my face away. I didn't want her to see how I reacted. I just wanted to leave.

"You need to talk to James," she said, standing up quickly. I nearly fell over. "I've done my part. I've told you my side. Now, it's up to you and him to fix yourselves."

I couldn't believe what she had just said. She could've spoken another language. "Fix ourselves?"

"Just talk to him, Serenity. You and I both know we're tired of you feeling the way you do. Tired of always being confused and in the dark. Talking will help." Her tone was tired, and, much as it made me want to yell and scream at her, impatient.

I tried to look indifferent. "Fine. But I think I'm being reasonable to expect that James comes to me to talk, not me to him." I folded my arms obstinately. Was I being childish and completely spoiled? Yes, but after all the lying and pain I think I had a small right to be.

"That's between you and him." She shrugged. I snorted. "Come and see me when it's all worked out." She walked over to the door, and opened it. She looked at me pointedly.

Great. So my best friend was dismissing me from her apartment after basically telling me that she was going to be NO help after "doing her part". What ever happened to being friends forever?

"Maybe," was all I said, as I glided past her without a look. I could feel her helpless anger resonating through the air, but I didn't care about that.

I went home. I put my swimsuit on under my clothes and grabbed a duffel bag, stuffing it full of granola bars and t-shirts. I walked out the door, ignoring the protests from my parents and shouts of "Where are you going?"

I knew where I was going. I didn't need anyone else to.

* * *

"Camille?" James poked his face into her apartment. "Camille? Are you in there?" James walked in. The window was open, and James could feel a warm breeze accompanying the sunset outside.

Camille came around the corner. She was rubbing her eyes. "James? What are you doing here?" she said, yawning.

James looked puzzled. "Um, I was looking for Ren. Is she here?" He looked around as if expecting to see her sitting on the couch or in front of the TV. But the whole room was silent and empty, with no trace of anyone.

"No. She's not here." Camille walked into the kitchen quickly.

James watched her go, with a startled expression on his face. Then he followed her.

"Then..." he started. "Where is she?"

"How should I know?" Camille asked harshly, grabbing a water and draining it in one gulp. Her hair was messy, and her clothes were rumpled. James could see the remains of sleep leaving her face.

"Were you just asleep?" Stating the obvious.

"Yeah. What of it?" she asked.

"Well, nothing, I guess. It's just that I was kinda hoping to talk to her..."

Camille froze in the act of getting another water. She turned around to face him with a VERY guilty expression.

"Talk?" She was trying to sound casual. "What about?"

James peered at her curiously. "Just... stuff. You know," he said shrugging.

"What kind of stuff?" Camille prodded.

"Erm, stuff between her and I," James said. "Do you know where she is, Camille? I really need her."

Camille ran a hand through her hair in that familiar gesture. "I... well, she WAS here. And then I... well, SHE said that she-"

"Out with it already!"

"OK, FINE! I told her about what happened with you, me and Logan!" she said, the words pouring out and tripping over one another. Then she turned her face, and started opening cupboards in a disinterested sort of way.

James shook his head, as if ridding his ear of trapped water. "YOU... you WHAT?" he yelled.

"I'm sorry!" Camille said desperately, throwing her hands up. "But she was so pitiful and I just couldn't help it! She needed answers! And it's not like you had been giving her the greatest explanations in the world either!" she spat out.

James stopped. This was very true.

"How COULD you James? I thought when you're in a relationship that you're supposed to be truthful! How could you NOT tell her about something that big?"

"I don't know," James said wearily. "I just... I was scared, OK?"

"Scared of what exactly? That she would reject you? She probably would have loved you a heck of a lot more if you had just told her to start with!"

"I tried." And he had! That day when he had played the demos for her. He had mentioned it, but she had told him to forget about it. That it didn't matter. But it had. She had only dreaded seeing him sad or upset, so she had told him to not think about it.

"No, you didn't," Camille said scornfully, jerking him out of his reverie.

"How do you know?" he said defensively. Why was Camille on him about this? What right did she have to meddle?

"Because she was so convinced that you just didn't love her! You couldn't have tried, because that would have given her hope. And she had none."

James felt very bad. How it could have ever gotten worse, he didn't have the faintest idea.

"James," Camille said gently.

James looked at her.

"I was really hard on her. She was making me feel guilty, about, you know, everything, and I just couldn't stop myself from getting mad at her. I kinda... told her to leave."

Nice, Camille. Really nice. James sighed. He should've expected that reaction. Ren wasn't exactly a passive personality.

"Do you know where she might be? At her apartment, maybe?"

"I don't know," Camille said. "You could check."

"You should help me, Camille," he wanted to say. But he knew he didn't want anyone but him to find her, wherever she was. So he settled for giving her a hug, and telling her he'd call her later. He walked through that door, leaving Camille with only anxiety and guilt for company.

He walked quickly two doors down to Ren's apartment, rapping loudly. The girl he had asked to the dance came to the door. He was surprised, but he covered it up well.

"Is Ren here?"

The girl laughed at him. Then she said, "You're cute. No, she's at her friends room, 5B?"

James started to panic. "No, she's not. She left there a little while ago. Do you know any other place she might be?"

"Not really," the girl said. "Why? Is she in trouble?" Her voice grew anxious.

"Rachel?" another voice called. "Who ARE you talking to?" An older woman came to the door. She looked James up and down. Then she turned to Rachel.

"Who's this, honey?" the woman said.

"It's Ren's friend. He's been looking for her, but he can't find her." Rachel was wringing her hands.

"Can't find her? What do you mean?"

"I mean... I. Can't. Find. Her," he growled. He was growing inpatient.

"Well," the older woman huffed. "I don't know where she is. She left to go somewhere a few hours ago, and I haven't seen her since."

"Somewhere?" Rachel asked tentatively. "Shouldn't you have asked her?"

"Don't you use that tone with me! I am your mother, and I know what's best for you and your sister."

"Mom, we have to go look for her! She could be hurt!"

"She's only been gone a few hours! And she always manages to find her way back," her mother said dismissively.

"Excuse me, ma'am," James said. The older woman turned to him, as if quite forgetting he had even been standing there.

"Yes? What is it?"

"If you don't mind, I think Rachel should be allowed to look for her sister. Even if you don't think it's necessary."

The woman spluttered. But then Rachel left the doorway, and James heart sank. Maybe she didn't care as much for Ren as he had thought.

"See?" the woman said smugly. "Rachel is the GOOD one. She always does as I think is best." She jutted her chin out, and James had a flash of Ren. She had often done that, and it just intensified his longing to be with her again.

"You may think that. But I think if you find the time to actually look at her, to actually KNOW her, you'll find that she is a beautiful, unique treasure. And you'll be sorry that you don't care enough about her now." James tone was menacing, but it was also hopeless, as he realized that his last hope, the one who knew her best, had just left the scene.

The woman narrowed her eyes. Then she made to shut the door, and take that last hope with her. Someone's foot stopped her. It was a sneaker clad foot. It was Rachel's foot.

She had a jacket on, and her hair was pulled back. She had a flashlight and a grim look as she faced her mother.

"Rachel?" her mother said sweetly. "Go back inside and get ready for bed. You have a big audition tomorrow and you want-"

"No, mom. You don't KNOW what I want. I want a break, and I want you to get off my back about being perfect. I want you to stop being such a control freak, and realize that I'm almost an adult. I can choose what I want just fine without you looking over my shoulder and fixing everything that isn't immaculate. But most of all..." She stepped out the door beside James. "I want my sister. I want her to be safe and happy, and that's something you've NEVER cared about."

They both looked on as as the indignant woman turned very red.

"Fine! Fine, then, you ungrateful child! You can go, but don't expect to be welcomed back!" she said wildly.

"I won't. As long as I have Ren, then I have everything I care about." She turned on her heel and walked away, pulling James with her. He looked back just once to see her mother staring after them silently, boiling over with anger. Then she slammed the door, and was gone.

James then turned his attention to Rachel. He squeezed her hand, and she looked up at him.

"Thank you," he said quietly. She smiled.

"I would die if anything happened to her."

James grinned as she let go of his hand.

"Now. Let's go find my sister."

**This was kinda a small chapter. But I just wanted it to kinda be leading up to the last few. :) I didn't know it would be written like this. I had intended for Logan and Camille to have an alone scene at her apartment. But it didn't happen that way. It happened with actually involving Ren's family. Which is something I'm afraid I've been negligent to do as of late. So here's one with her family. Hope it was OK! Thanks for reading, and REVIEW! **

**xoxoxoxo**

**~Starbucks**


	9. Chapter 9

**Heeeeeello again, my pretties! :D Chapter 9, IS DONE! I don't know how long I'm gonna make this fic. I'm debating eleven chapters. Maybe twelve, with the last one being sort of an epilogue. To finish it all up. But I don't know. I'll figure it out. XD Not much else to say. Nope. I'm done. For now. :P**

**So read on!**

I glanced down at my phone. It was vibrating, and a familiar song was playing out of it. Kendall's voice filled my ears.

"I promised I would be there, I swear I'm on my way..."

I slammed my bag down on top of it, not even bothering to see who was trying to contact me. It would either be James or Camille. Right now, it would take every ounce of will power to not KILL Camille, and to not burst into tears if it was James. I didn't want to talk to them anyway. I didn't need them. I didn't need anyone.

_"But you do need him."_

"Shut-up, shut-up, shut-up..." I muttered. I sighed and rolled my eyes. Then I reached down and lifted my bag up. I peered at the glowing caller ID on the front.

It was James. I gritted my teeth, but flipped it open.

I tried to find my voice. But it had left me, and all I could do was choke on the words I knew he needed to hear from me.

"Ren? Are you there?" His voice came out, amazingly familiar. I loved him so much, even just his voice was enough to make me desperate with longing. I knew I wanted him here with me, holding me tight. I could forget it all as long as I had him.

"Where are you, Ren? We've been looking for you for hours. It's almost midnight."

"I know that, Captain Genius. I have a phone, remember?" I spoke up. I could have given him a nice solid thump on the noggin.

I heard him sigh with relief. "Ren, just tell me where you are. We can talk! I promise I'll make everything right. I promise!"

"You can't promise something like that. You just can't."

I heard him sigh again, this time with remorse. "I know Camille told you," he said sadly. "I know I was a mega jerk and I don't deserve you at all. But I think I do deserve to be able to explain things to you."

I gulped. "Can you tell me everything? Really, James? Cause I don't want to feel like this anymore."

"I will. I will, no matter what it takes. Tell me where you are, and I'll come and get you. We can work this out."

I felt my throat close up. I was shivering and I had finished all my granola bars. I was tired, cold, sad, and hungry, and I really did need him.

"Serenity, I swear, I'll take care of you. I prom-"

His voice broke off. Almost as if-

No, no, no, no, no, no. I looked down at the phone in my hand, the one with a dead battery. My hand shook as tears sprung to my eyes.

It was too late and much too dangerous to go roaming the streets trying to get home, it was too late for me to tell James where I was, or even that I loved him. It was too late.

My eyelids dropped over my golden orbs. A few tears squeezed out from under my lashes.

I was so tired.

"Just breathe, Serenity. Wait until morning. Nothing will happen. No-one even comes to this part of the beach, remember?"

I opened my eyes for a split second to see the moon being blotted out by thick black storm clouds. Not good.

I closed them again. I would move in time, before the storm came. But for now I needed to sleep.

I rested my head back on the pillow I had made out of my towel, and made my mind dumb down, letting the sounds of the waves wash over me. I prayed I could sleep long enough to have the energy to get back to him.

But right now, I just needed an escape.

* * *

It was morning. And James was exhausted. Rachel had eventually gone home, and though he had asked the guys to help look, he hadn't made them keep looking when eight o'clock came around. Carlos was so tired he had fallen down in the middle of the street, and thank God there hadn't been that much traffic. Kendall had become a zombie, and had walked into numerous obstacles, garnering bruises and other small aches. Logan had managed to stay awake the whole time, but he hadn't been far behind them both. So James had taken pity on them, and had let them go home. But he knew as soon as he stopped to do anything, he would be just as dead as the rest.

He sat down on a bench outside the Palm Woods, hoping that wherever she was, Ren was safe and warm. It was surprisingly chilly for this time of year, and James knew how cold she got, and how fast.

It began to rain. James groaned, looking up and pleading with the sky spirits to give him a break.

Now he hoped wherever she was, Ren was in a sheltered place, and safe, warm, AND dry.

But he didn't move to get into that situation himself. Safe, warm and dry...

**Three weeks ago...**

_"ACH! James! Put me down right NOW! No, I don't like going out this way!"_

_James laughed, but set her down anyway. She was standing, divided, one foot in the water, one on the sand. She had a hesitant look on her face._

_"James... Come here."_

_James walked over to her, and stood in front of her expectantly, shrugging his shoulders._

_"What?"_

_"Can you... come with me back over there?" She pointed to the shallower part of the tide._

_"No, I canNOT. You have to try this Ren! It's so amazing! There's tons of sea-life down there!" He waded back to the place he had been standing._

_"But I like it OVER there."_

_"What's so great about over there? It's just shallow..."_

_"I like it. It's MY part of the beach."_

_"Since when?"_

_"Since FOREVER!"_

_James huffed. "Just try it with me. I promise you'll like it."_

_She looked at him, then at the water. "Well, then. I command you to carry me."_

_James looked at her incredulously. "Carry you? But you HATE when I do that."_

_"Well, I want to try. So come here."_

_He smiled and walked over to her, scooping her up in his arms._

_"Come on!" she said, clinging to his neck, and urging him on as if he were her personal mount.  
_

_He walked out with her into the water. She made an odd noise when the water came up around her legs._

_"You need to lift me up higher! I don't want any water on me!"_

_"It's the OCEAN! You're gonna get wet."_

_"No, James," she said in a deadly voice._

_"And why not?"_

_"Because, I'd rather not be down there! I'd rather be up HERE, where I'm safe, warm, and dry, thank you very much."_

_**End Flashback**_

She was at her beach. The beach she had taken him to that day.

"_But why would she go there?"_ his mind asked him. _"Why would she go somewhere outside, with this rain?"_

_It wasn't raining last night. So it would've seemed perfect."_

He got up from his bench and looked around. The rain ran off the top of his head, and splashed against his eyes. But he blinked it out impatiently, and started walking towards where he thought her beach would've been.

He walked and walked and walked. And when he reached the beach, he started to think very hard about where he knew she would be. The only place they hadn't looked where she would go.

He combed the beach thoroughly. But nothing was exactly what he found.

"Ren?" he called out through the torrents of rain. "Ren DiPillo! Serenity!"

He was yelling for her, even though he knew she wouldn't hear him.

"What can I do for you Serenity? I need you with me, but you just won't come."

He wandered. He wasn't sure where he was going, but he didn't care all that much. He was soaked and chilled, and he would've liked nothing more than a hot shower.

He found a crevice of rock that was completely sheltered. Eh, it would have to do. He ducked into it.

And found he was more happy than he had ever been in his life. More happy than when they had first come to Hollywood, more happy than he had been filming the music video, more happy than when he had kissed Camille.

Curled up on the floor with her towel around her shoulders, shivering furiously in her sleep, was the girl he had been searching for.

"Ren," he whispered, going over to her and kneeling down. He put his hand over hers, then withdrew it sharply. It was colder than ice. Her skin was extremely pale, and her lips had a faint purplish hue.

He reached down and felt the sleeve of her jacket. It was sopping wet.

"Oh, man," he said to himself, drawing her into his arms, and resting against the wall of the small cave. He eased the wet jacket off of her, and his own as well, and laid them out on the floor. Then he just held her tightly, rubbing her arms and her hands till they weren't quite so frigid.

"You need to wake up Serenity. Come on. Wake up," he said quietly, wrapping a curl around her ear, and breathing on her hands to warm them.

He didn't know how long they sat there like that. He only knew that gripping fear he felt when he saw her face, and heard her shallow breathing. He knew it felt like five minutes, so when it didn't stop raining, he didn't pay any mind.

He kept looking away outside, partly to see if there was a break in the clouds yet, partly to avoid watching her lifeless face. So it happened he was staring at the wall when she came to.

"Hm. Who'd have thought?" she mumbled, suddenly, tremulously. "It wasn't a dream."

He looked down to see Ren's eyes open, and her face not quite as pale as before.

"Thank God," James breathed, pressing her thin form to himself.

"I hoped you would find me. I didn't tell you that..." she yawned. "But I really did."

"Just don't talk," he replied. "How do you feel?"

She smiled at him weakly. "You just told me not to talk-"

He silenced her by joining his lips with her own in their very first kiss. It made him feel horribly worried when he felt how freezing her lips were. But it all melted away in seconds, and all he was conscious of was her body up and against his, and her lips responding just like he had hoped she would.

He broke off, and just buried his face in her wet hair. He could feel her holding onto him quite tightly. Her breathing was heavy and choked, and he could tell she was trying not to cry.

"I'm so sorry," he said, over and over. She was shaking, and when he looked up he found that her eyes were dull and distant, hazy with repressed tears.

"James, I don't feel good," she said.

His breath caught. "What- what do you mean 'you don't feel good'?"

"My whole body just hurts," she said. "Take me home, James. Please."

"I can't take you home. It's still raining, and we'll both die of chills if we leave." He was starting to panic. This wasn't like Ren. Not at all. His hand brushed against her cheek and found with shock that it was burning up.

"Oh, geez, Ren," he said. "That isn't good."

"What isn't?" she said sleepily, laying her head down on his chest.

"You can't sleep Ren. Ren look at me!" He yanked her face to look at his own. "You can't sleep, OK?"

"Why? I'm so tired... I just want it to stop hurting..."

"I'll get you home. I promise. I swear." He linked her pinky up with his and gave it a good shake.

She smiled again, but he could tell she was fading fast. "That means almost nothing anymore, you know."

"I'll call Logan!" He reached into his pocket, and pulled out his phone. Much to his dismay, the phone was water-logged, and he saw only a blank screen.

"Dang..." he mumbled.

"We're not going home?" Ren asked sadly.

"I..." He nodded firmly. "Yes, we are."

"How?"

"I'll just carry you. I know you hate it, but it's just gonna have to-"

"Kiss me again, and I won't care either way." A spark shot between them when he kissed her again, and he had hope. She would be alright. They would be OK.

He hoisted her up and carried her securely in his arms with both jackets over her. He found his legs were weak, and his teeth were chattering. But he pushed on, through the rain and the cold, her breathing hot against his neck and her face burning through the wetness of his shoulder.

"It'll be OK," he said over and over, even as he got weaker and weaker. He would take care of her. He couldn't lose her so soon.

He was constantly flipping his hair over his shoulder, and blinking his eyes rapidly to clear them of water and tears. He pushed on and on, up to the street, down block after block, his lips pressed to her hand, and his mind set on one thing. Getting her home, where she would be taken care of.

After what seemed like years, but was really only almost an hour, he staggered up to the hotel, and shoved the door open. His vision was so blurred he scarcely knew where he was going, and his hands were shaking so much that he almost dropped his precious cargo. Her breathing had been steadily slowing, and now it was scarcely there at all. It was this absence of life that had spurred him on to his final destination. And he had reached it. He smiled weakly in spite of himself.

She would be OK now.

He had barely time to see Kendall and Logan running towards them from the elevator before he fell and everything went black.

**Drama, drama, drama. Mmhm. Well, this chapter was horrible in my opinion. But hopefully it's not so bad that you all won't review. I believe by now you all know how happy review make me, and that they all mean a darn lot. :)**

**Thank you so much, for everything. To all my readers and reviewers, you know who you are. I really appreciate all the support you've given me on this fic. :)**

**xoxoxoxo**

**~Starbucks**


	10. Chapter 10

"Three days..."

"Kendall KNIGHT!"

Kendall looked at Logan sadly. "I'm sorry."

"What did we talk about? She loves you, and she's coming back! So shut-up! We need to go find James! He's been gone for hours!"

"Why do we need to go anywhere? He's right there," Kendall muttered nonchalantly, pointing towards the entrance. Logan eyes darted to James as he staggered in the doorway.

"And he has..." Kendall narrowed his eyes, peering at the oddly misshapen lump in James' arms. "Jackets?"

"That's Ren!" Logan yelled, a little louder than he had meant to. He began walking quickly, just as he saw James fall to the ground in a heap, his legs folding out underneath him. Kendall gave a cry of alarm, then rushed past Logan to grab James under the arms before his head hit the ground. Logan ran up to Ren, lifting her out of her dripping covers.

He pressed two fingers to the side of her neck, able to feel a faint, rapid pulse beating away frantically. He held his hand to her forehead, and muttered darkly when he felt how much she was burning up.

"We need to get them to the apartment," Logan said. He looked at Kendall, who was still sitting with his arms holding James semi-upright.

"Kendall, go upstairs and get Carlos. Tell your mom not to worry about anything, that we found Ren and James and we're bringing them up. Don't let her come down, though."

"Oh- okay," Kendall said quietly. Giving James one last worried look, he laid him down gently, then dashed to the elevator, slamming his palm down on the up button, and running inside.

Logan laid Ren down gently on one of the armchairs, then knelt beside James to feel his pulse. It was stronger, but not much more regular, and his temperature was more icy then hers had been.

"Gotta be pneumonia..." he said to himself. A few people had gathered around by now, but none were making a move to help, or even asking if everything was alright.

"Logan?"

Logan turned his head in time to see Stephanie sinking to the floor beside him. When she looked at him, her eyes were worried and afraid.

"What happened?" she asked frantically.

"I don't know exactly," Logan said. He heard everything everyone was saying around him, all the mutterings, but he payed no attention to them. "I think they got caught in the rain and couldn't get home quick enough. And it's not exactly warm out there."

"No, it's not." She rubbed her hands together a little. "Can I do anything?"

"Go check on Ren? Over there, on the armchair."

She ran off, a few people following her from a distance.

Logan heard the elevator ding, and didn't even have to look to know it was Kendall. He heard a couple pairs of feet running, and Kendall skidded to a stop beside him. Carlos vaulted over a couch to land on his knees, surprisingly lightly.

"What happened?" At the sound of his voice, Stephanie was there, and clinging onto his arm.

"Carlos!" Carlos squeezed her hand, but then turned his attention back to James, who was shivering slightly, his eyes rolling around behind his eyelids.

"We need to get him up to the apartment," Carlos said. Kendall nodded, and Logan instructed them to grab James under the arms, and drag him up to 2J. Carlos manned the left with Kendall on the right. Carlos grunted and groaned, but Kendall pulled him along with ease. They got to the elevator, and Stephanie held it open for Logan to follow with Ren.

He walked over and picked her up, nestling her in his arms. He strode over to the elevator and stepped inside. It was quite crowded. Carlos had propped James up against the back wall, but he still had a great deal of weight pressing down on him. He was starting to get very red in the face.

"Here," Logan said, dropping Ren into his arms. Carlos hoisted her a little higher as Kendall pressed the 2 button.

Logan got one more glimpse of the lobby, and all the people's confused faces, before he ducked under James left arm, and watched the doors shut.

He helped Kendall drag James down the hall, with Carlos following close behind. Logan kept poking James in the ribs, hoping he would come to so they wouldn't have to drag him so harshly.

Kendall threw the door open and immediately Katie ran up. She had tear tracks, and Kendall looked quite shocked at them.

But she breathed out a sigh of relief when she saw James' condition.

"It's OK, Mom!" she yelled. "He's not dead!"

Mrs. Knight ran around the corner, and burst into tears when she saw James.

"Mom...?" Kendall asked.

"I'm sorry," she choked out. "I was just so afraid that something HORRIBLE had happened to him!" She wiped her eyes with a shaky hand.

"Let's get him to the bedroom," Logan muttered, feeling exhausted under James' weight.

They got him down the hall, and dumped him unceremoniously on the bed. Then Logan reached down and felt his forehead. It was still ice-cold.

"OK, that's good..." he said, so quietly it was probably to himself. Kendall helped Logan pull off all his wet clothes and pile blankets around him.

They both stepped back, not knowing quite what to do next. Kendall turned to Mrs. Knight, who was hovering in the doorway.

"You can take over, Mom," he said with a faint smile. Then he stepped back to avoid the whirlwind he knew would be coming.

But it didn't. She stepped slowly over to the bed, and took a long look at James' white face.

"I always knew something would happen to one of you. Sooner or later, I just knew it," she whispered.

"Mom! He'll be fine. Don't look so worried. It's just a..." Kendall looked to Logan.

"Pneumonia," Logan offered.

"Yeah, pneumonia. It's common, and not life threatening."

"Actually-" Logan started, but the look Kendall gave him shut him up.

"Alright," Mrs. Knight said, giving Kendall a hug, and pressing her face into his shoulder. Logan knew she was glad it hadn't been him.

She wiped her eyes again, and smiled faintly. "I remember when you had pneumonia. It's not too hard to treat."

"Yeah," Logan said. "I need to go, and uh, check on Ren." He walked out hurriedly, leaving mother and son to fuss over the invalid.

He walked out into the living room to see Ren on the couch, with Carlos standing near holding Stephanie, and Katie on the floor staring at Ren's closed eyes.

"How is she?" He crouched down beside her.

Katie looked at him, and her eyes were almost haunted.

"She's barely breathing."

Logan looked at her strangely, then at Carlos. He nodded. Logan leaned down and was shocked to feel a trickle of breath coming out.

Suddenly, Ren hacked and coughed so violently, her whole body was racked with it. She looked like she was having a seizure.

"We need to get these wet clothes off of her..."

Carlos shifted uncomfortably.

Stephanie stared at him. "Well, get to it!" she said loudly. "She'll shiver herself to death!"

"We... can't. I mean..." Logan blushed. "We're guys. And she's a girl."

Stephanie looked confused. Then a light dawned in her eyes. "OH!" She giggled a little. "Well, we wouldn't want that would we? Katie can you get me a t-shirt for her?"

Katie ran down the hall, returning with one of James white t-shirts seconds later.

"Uh..." Stephanie looked at the shirt. "Why...?"

"It just seemed right," Katie said hurriedly.

Stephanie shrugged. Then she unfolded the t-shirt and took off Ren's blanket.

Carlos and Logan hadn't moved.

"Guys... a little privacy, if you can turn away..."

"Oh, yeah. Right," they said together, than turned around awkwardly. Carlos shut his eyes, just to be safe.

They heard various slopping noises as the wet clothes were pulled off and cast onto the floor. Then rustling as the clean dry t-shirt was put on.

"Someone get a sweatshirt and a couple of blankets for her."

Logan dared to peek. The shirt fell to mid-thigh on her, and Logan sighed in relief. Then he rushed to the hall closet and pulled out the needed items.

"Here," he said, handing them to Stephanie. She put them on gingerly.

"There," she said. "Now she won't freeze to death."

Ren hacked again, and turned over a little. She was frowning, and Logan could hear every precious breath being rattled out. It sounded so painful.

Logan rubbed his forehead. "I don't know what to do..."

"What?" Katie asked in a panicked way. "What do you mean? You have to do something!"

"I don't... I can't do anything... We've done all we can."

"Call an ambulance then!" Katie exclaimed, her eyes filling up with tears.

"I'll do it," Stephanie said shakily. She walked over to the phone and dialed 911.

Logan heard her talking vaguely in the background, but found he couldn't really pay attention to her. Between Katie's uncharacteristic crying, and Carlos's uncommon serious expression, Logan found it much easier to believe that this wasn't even really happening.

A knock at the door jerked him out of his reverie. He got up and walked dazedly to the door, throwing it open. Camille was there, her face chalky and clammy. Her hands were shaking, and she looked like she hadn't slept all night.

"Have you... have you found her yet?"

Logan dreaded doing it, but he stepped aside to let her see Ren's form sprawled out on the couch.

Her face went so blank that Logan could've sworn she hadn't even seen her. But she walked past him quietly, and over to her side.

Logan heard her mutter as she went, "My fault, my fault, my fault..."

"The ambulance is on its way!" Stephanie said, setting the phone in its cradle again.

"Good," Carlos said, relieved. "She's just got to hang on til then."

It seemed like those words made everything final. This was happening. Ren was dying, Logan was sure of it. And all because they had all been too careless to make sure she would be all right.

Camille had sat down on the edge of the couch, and was now holding Ren's hand and stroking it gently. Logan saw a few tears spill off the edge of her nose, as she muttered, again and again, "My fault."

Soon enough, only an eternity later, the sirens sounded. In minutes the paramedics were walking into 2J carrying a stretcher between them. They lifted Ren onto it as easily as if she had been a feather, but when Logan gave her hand a final grip, she felt as heavy as lead.

"Will she be OK?" Carlos asked.

"We're going to try and make it happen," one of them told him. But he wasn't smiling. And Logan felt like his heart was breaking.

Since Ren needed someone with her, Stephanie ran and got Rachel, who burst into tears the moment she got the news. Even Ren's mother looked rather pale, and her father was mouthing things that never came out.

Her parents didn't climb behind her into the ambulance. They watched it go, along with Carlos and Stephanie and Kendall, Katie and Logan, who was holding Camille's limp hand.

"She'll be alright," Kendall said hopefully. But they all knew now, that time was all that mattered.

And she didn't have much.

**I have nothing to say. A first. XD Review. **


	11. Chapter 11

**This is a kinda short chapter. But, aren't they all? XD One huge, second to last thank you to all my faithful reviewers, for reading my stories no matter how much they have deteriorated over time. And they really have. I will finish this story, and move on. **

**Eleven down, one to go...**

Camille stood there in the doorway, just out of reach of the rain's icy fingers. Those fingers that had that deadly grip on her best friend.

Logan stood with her. They were holding hands, and yet, were miles apart. Logan didn't understand anything that had happened, and Camille felt too guilty to do anything but stare blankly and try to hide the fact that she was dying just as quickly as Ren was.

"We have to follow them," Logan whispered.

"Can we do that?" Katie asked hurriedly.

"Well, we're going to, whether we're allowed or not." He rubbed his hands together, and looked around. "Kendall you need to tell your mom where we're going. And Steph and Camille, you need to tell your parents. We can't just take off."

A few nods, and Stephanie and Carlos were gone, along with Kendall and Katie. Camille hadn't moved.

"Aren't you gonna go tell your mom you're leaving?"

She looked at the floor. "Do you think... do you think that Ren even wants me there?"

Logan stared. "What do you mean?"

"It's my fault. All of it. I was too hard on her. I was tired of all the lies and I just wanted it all to go away, because I knew I couldn't live through something like that again. So I just told her to leave, that I was finished with all of this. So..." she shrugged hopelessly. "She did."

"Camille, this is not your fault, of all people. I think we can trace it back to James more than you, for not telling her everything from the start. But it's really the rain's fault. She just got caught too long in it. That's it."

She took a deep breath. "I can't," she said quietly.

"Why can't you?"

"I just can't." She let go of his hand.

Logan considered her for a moment. "She would want you there, you know. No matter what you think."

"I'll wait until I know for sure."

"What if she doesn't get that chance?"

"Logan Mitchell, don't you say things like that. She'll be fine. She's a fighter. She won't die this way."

"We have to be realistic Camille. She may not make it-"

"Shut-UP Logan!" she yelled. She was breathing heavily, and her fists were clenched.

He looked shocked. "Camille, I-"

"She won't die. She won't. She can't."

Logan looked very sad. Then he walked over and wrapped her in his arms, no matter how much she punched him away. She grew weaker and weaker, her breathing thicker and thicker, until she was sobbing with frustration and grief.

"Come with me," he said. "I promise she'll be fine if you just come."

"That's a lie," she mumbled into his shirt. She sniffled a little, and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

Logan smoothed her hair away from her face, and smiled faintly. "Remember before all this? Before James and Ren, before everything happened? There was just me and you."

Camille nodded, and played with the collar of his shirt.

"I wish it could be like that again. I wish we could just go back."

"We can't."

"I know. But I still want to."

"You wish you had just never met Ren then? You wish that James and her had never loved the way they do?"

Logan pondered. "No, I guess not. I guess life without Ren would be pretty boring, anyway. And they do make each other happy."

"Yeah."

They were quiet, the lobby slowly emptying around them as people went to lunch.

"How can someone work their way into your heart so fast? How are we all so worried for that girl, when we haven't known her three months?"

"She has that ability," Camille answered. "She can make you feel sorry for her, but then tell you she'd rather you not. Then you realize no matter what happens, you'll be on her side."

"Does that mean you're coming?"

Camille sighed. "Hopefully she doesn't kill me. She has that ability too, you know."

* * *

He knew it hadn't been a dream when he woke up shivering and coughing something fierce.

James sat up, and tried very hard to remember EXACTLY what had happened. But the moment he did, a sharp chest pain sent him shooting back down.

"Arg..." he said slowly, testing out his various limbs to see if they too had turned on him. He felt very cold and even more hungry.

He cleared his throat. "Hello?" he called. "Anyone here?" His voice was scratchy, and when he looked at the clock and realized it was six hours later, he knew why.

He heard footsteps on the carpet at the door. He turned his head to see Mrs. Knight standing there, with a cup of something that look very hot.

"Thank God, you're finally awake." She walked over to him with a bustling air, and began clearing things off of his night stand.

"Mrs. Knight? Where is everyone?"

She looked at him long and hard. She told him to say "ahhhhh" as she looked down his throat, and took five whole minutes to check and make sure his eyes were clear.

Finally, James had the courage to ask the question that had been grating on him.

"Where's Ren?"

Mrs. Knight was carefully avoiding his eyes. He didn't say anything else. He had his answer.

She handed him a water bottle. "You need to drink all of that. All of it. By 6:30. And I called in for some amoxicillin for the infection."

He nodded. She gave him a comforting kiss on the head, and left.

The silence of an hour or so gave him time to figure things out. Time for nothing but thinking. Which wasn't something he did very often.

What had happened to Ren? He knew that having a fever when you're supposed to be cold was a bad sign. He had payed enough attention in Health class to know that. So it must have been more serious than he had been anticipating it would be.

Would they have taken her to the hospital? He could vaguely recall a great racket disturbing his restless doze, but he couldn't remember if it had been an ambulance or not. And anyway, who went to the hospital for a fever?

_"It was a bad fever,"_ he told himself.

So she had a fever. A bad fever. They had probably taken her to the hospital. Which meant he should be on his way to see her. He made a move to rise off the bed again.

A cough came up his throat so violent, that he could only sit there and hope he got enough oxygen to take one more breath. He was shaking by the time it had ended.

_"You're not going anywhere, James,"_ his mind told him. _"You're stuck here, and you won't even know if she lives or dies until someone decides it's worth it to tell you."_

Now, normally, he would pound his head with his fists in a vain attempt to shut his mind up. But not this time. He felt so hopeless in his ignorance, that all he could do was lay there and stare at the ceiling, tears pouring down the sides of his face, as he tried not to think about anything at all.

He looked at the clock. He could barely read it through the blur of tears, but made out 6:00. His water bottle was still full.

He picked it up, and drained every last drop. He wheezed a little, and dropped back onto the pillows.

_"Every second counts on the clock that's ticking..." _a familiar song played in his head.

Breathe in, breath out. In, out. In, out. He would find a way to get to her. No matter what it took. He had risked too much trying to keep her safe to entertain any other notion.

_"_I wonder what's going on over there right now..."

* * *

"What the heck is going on in there?" Camille yelled. "And why haven't they told us anything yet?"

They were all seated in the waiting room outside a group of doors that led into hospital rooms. Katie had gone home almost immediately, her dislike of hospitals getting much the better of her. Carlos had fallen asleep on Stephanie, and Kendall was sitting on his other side, looking vaguely aware of his surroundings, as if he would be only too glad to join Carlos in his comfortable activity.

Logan was sitting across from them, and Camille was walking up and down the hall ahead of them, wringing her hands, and nearly hyperventilating.

"Camille, calm down. These things take time."

"Not five hours!"

"Camille, come and sit," Logan tried to console her. But she continued pacing like a captive animal.

"They would have told us if she was gonna be alright. They would have told us, I mean that's how it happens in the movies!"

"Geez Camille, stop panicking. It'll be fine. Life isn't like a movie, I've told you that before."

"Sometimes! Where do you think they get ideas for films from?"

Kendall sighed, and Carlos grunted in his sleep. His head was lolling on Stephanie's shoulder, and she was twirling a little bit of his hair between her fingers.

"When I was little, and my mom was in the hospital,, they came right out and told us. They didn't deliberate. So I guess it could be a good thing they haven't told us anything. Maybe they're working hard to save her, and that's why we haven't heard anything."

No-one knew why she could talk so casually of her deceased mother, who had died of cancer when she was only five years old. But she had never gotten all teary over it. Carlos said that she didn't let anyone see her, that she did feel sad sometimes, but she didn't like anyone to see her cry. Carlos had before though. When they were alone and she just couldn't put off thinking about it.

Camille was hoping she wouldn't have a reason to be that way any time soon. She was hoping to be sipping cherry Kool-Aid with her best friend before the week was out.

Unrealistic, sure. But when hope is all you have, you tend to exaggerate it a bit.

She stood still, her back pressed against the wall and her fingers weaving in and out of each other furiously. With closed eyes, she tried desperately not to fear the worst.

But she couldn't help it. Being pessimistic in drastic circumstances was one of her flaws.

Logan went to stand by her, and Stephanie nudged Carlos awake impatiently, for he had begun to drool slightly on her sweater. He moaned a little in discomfort at this movement, then settled his head down comfortably in Kendall's lap.

Kendall looked as if he would have liked to slap the sleep out of his eyes. But Camille figured he thought there had been enough pain so far today, because he just sighed a little unhappily, and watched Carlos' small puddle of drool soak into his jean clad knee.

Camille hadn't been asleep for long when Logan dragged her to her feet suddenly. She blinked rapidly, and then inhaled sharply when she saw a rather short little man coming towards them, dressed in a long white doctor's coat and holding a clipboard in his hand and a very unattached look in his eye.

Kendall rose to his feet, Carlos sliding off his lap and onto the floor. He continued snoring. Stephanie gave him a frustrated kick in the ribs.

He choked a little, and opened his eyes. Upon seeing their informant, he scrambled to his feet, sparing Stephanie a slightly annoyed expression.

"Anyone here for a Serenity DiPillo?" he asked blearily. He said her name with a little disdain at it's unusual sound. Camille wanted to slap him. But not just for that. For being so unreadable.

His face gave away neither good news nor bad news. Camille would have liked to punch him, and see if he remained so indifferent.

"We're for Ren," Logan nodded in confirmation.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news."

Kendall buried his face in his hands, and Stephanie bit her lip so hard that a drop of blood blossomed on her skin. Carlos just stared. Camille found she simply couldn't believe a word of that sentence. For one, he simply didn't look very afraid. For two, her mind was skating so leisurely around the current anticipation that she, for a second, wondered if she wasn't dreaming. Logan had told her that the human mind will use denial as a defense against serious grief. Maybe that's what was happening.

Maybe in a second, she would wake up, to see Ren's face on her couch, sleeping as if nothing had gone wrong.

"What is it?" Logan asked quietly. She was jolted out of her frame of mind.

"If it's any comfort, she will be fine. For now, she's not in any immediate danger."

This sent a ripple of relief through the group. But just as quickly they grew apprehensive.

"On the other hand..." He stopped. Camille fought the urge to scream at him.

"She has suffered some... ah, permanent damage."

Carlos looked hollowly at him, and Stephanie promptly burst into tears. No-one looked very happy. Everyone was just waiting to hear the fate of their friend.

"Unfortunately she simply wasn't brought to us in time. Her lungs and immune system were hit exceptionally hard, past the point of treatment. I'm afraid she'll never breathe very easily again. And she'll be very susceptible to viruses and other sicknesses, far more susceptible than the average person."

Logan looked away, and Camille knew he was imagining Ren living her life without being able to breathe freely, and being sick all the time. She knew how sad he was when she saw those ever rare tears drop down his face one by one.

"Can we go in now?" Stephanie asked. "We really would like to see her."

"Yes, yes," he waved at them dismissively, already on his way in the other direction. "You can go in. She's as stable as she'll ever be."

They walked to room 757. It was completely silent outside the door, and Camille could see waves of red hair spilling over the stark white of the pillow. Any other circumstance she would have thought it a beautifully unique sight, likes flames on the snow. But now it just reminded her of blood. She swallowed an urge to retch.

They all walked in, and stood around the bed. Kendall sat down on a chair nearby, and Stephanie plopped onto the bed. The other three just stared.

Her face was peaceful, and aside from the occasional rattling difficulty she had with breathing, you would never have known her body had been racked so tragically. Her face was pale, and her eyes were closed. Her hands were loose at her sides, and it made Camille almost cry to see her tiny body wrapped up in that hospital gown.

Stephanie took her hand and stroked it gently. Everyone seemed genuinely sobered at seeing her this way, and it was eerily quiet.

"How long before she's gonna be able to come back home?" Camille asked, more to Logan than to anyone.

He shrugged. "I don't really know. She looks fine now." He walked over to the monitor, where a steady, only slightly rapid heartbeat, was beeping away. "I'll have to get some more info from that doctor before I know for sure."

Camille only nodded, not betraying the hope she was beginning to feel. Maybe she would be alright after all.

The shock of the days events seemed to have a heavy effect on her, for it wasn't long before her eyes were tired and dropping and her breathing deep and relaxed. Logan gathered her up in his arms, and sat with her on one of the huge armchairs, playing with her hair and rocking with her back and forth. She was reminded of how much she loved this boy, and how much comfort he could give in these situations. No-one could make her feel so safe, with only one touch.

Everything had worked out. Ren would be alright. There were still battles to be fought. But now that they were all together, she knew that they would come out just fine.

She smiled, a contented happy smile, one that hadn't graced her face all day. And everyone but Logan saw it.

Because he was just as asleep as she was.

**Done, done, done! Does it seem like I'm getting tired of writing this story? Because I am. XD And if I'm tired of writing it, imagine how tired you must be of reading it. So I will write chapter 12 swiftly, and then I'll rant and rave some more as a proper send-off. :) **

**I apologize for any grammar mistakes or problems with flow or spelling or anything. If there are a lot of mistakes, I am deeply sorry.  
**

**I will do a list of shout-outs at the end for those more notable names that have kept me going. But just remember... we are all awesome. :)**

**xoxoxo**

**~Starbucks**


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry for any typos in this one. I didn't have much time to go over it. My schedule is crammed full as it is, and I'm writing this by moonlight. Figuratively.**

**If it's rushed, or if you didn't think it ended well, I'm sorry. Review one more time and tell me you real true honest opinion. I want to know what you thought. For real. **

**I haven't put up one disclaimer on this I think... OH well. I think you all are smart enough to know that if I owned BTR, Lomille would have happened already. And Carphanie :)  
**

Time passed by slowly for the little group. But surely as Ren's heart was now fervently beating, hours turned into days, days into weeks. It was only three weeks later, as a matter of fact, that James walked into her hospital room for the first time. A sincere hope in his heart and a bright smile on his lips were all he carried with him, as well as a single red rose.

He walked cautiously, as if not quite trusting himself on his own two feet. Three weeks bedridden is a long time when you're as active as he had been, and he knew it would take him a while to get back to where he was before. But for now, he wasn't thinking much of himself. He was only thinking of her, and preparing himself to see something drastic.

He never did. He never saw anything worth crying over. All he saw was his baby girl, almost good as new, with nothing wrong except being extremely thin and pale, and having ever so slight constant trouble taking deep breaths. Of course, just because he didn't cry, didn't mean he didn't feel guilty.

"Hey," he said gently. She was sitting up in bed, reading a book Logan had bought her a while back. Her whole face lit up when she realized who was visiting.

He stood there in the doorway, holding the rose awkwardly.

"I got this. For- for you." He laid it in her hand.

She looked at it for a moment. Then her fingers closed tightly around it, and she smiled at him.

He grinned back a little. Then he shuffled his feet, and desperately tried to not look at her face.

After a little while, she spoke up, with a tone of gentleness and understanding. "James, come here."

He walked over to her obediently.

"James, I have a question for you."

"Sure. Anything."

"Do you love me?"

He was surprised, no doubt about that. "Of course I do, what a stupid thing to ask."

"And yet, you still insist on blaming yourself for all of this."

He sighed. He never would be very subtle at hiding his feelings. Not like she was. "Who else is there to blame?"

"James...You want me to get better, right?"

"Yes."

"Then stop feeling the way you do. Go back to being my James, the old James that I fell for. I'll get better twice as fast."

He looked at her skeptically.

"Guaranteed. Take it or leave it."

He smiled. Bargaining. Now _this_ was his Ren.

He sat down on the bed beside her. "Has it been awful? Having all these people take care of you? I mean, you're usually so self-sustaining."

"Oh yes. It's been horrible. Not that I could even feed myself in the beginning."

James looked away. He could tell that she was trying to say the right things, but that hadn't been it.

"Why haven't you kissed me yet?" she asked quickly, trying to avert any more tearshed.

He looked back at her. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, isn't that a customary greeting between boyfriend and girlfriend? They kiss."

James smiled again. " Do you want me to kiss you, Serenity?"

"Very much, yes."

He pressed his lips to hers softly, and smiled into her. He was so glad to have her well again. Or, at least well enough for him to kiss her.

"Can you get me pudding?" she asked, twiddling with his shirt buttons and looking up into his hazel eyes with her golden ones imploringly.

"Yes, I'll get you pudding. I'll be the _good_ boyfriend."

"How lucky am I?"

He walked out the door quickly, and came back with a pudding and a Reeses cup. He opened the snack cup for her, and then proceeded to crumble the candy into it. Everyone else had forgotten she liked it like this. But not James.

He set it down on her lap along with a little purple plastic spoon. She just stared at it.

"What's wrong? Do you not like Reeses in it anymore?"

"No-one's ever remembered I like it this way..." James saw a tear splash onto the spoon.

"What's the matter?" he asked. He was beginning to get up and get the nurse, thinking something must be seriously wrong. She rarely cried like this. Silent tears, and lots of them.

She raised her head to look at him. He saw bewilderment and complete joy in her eyes. It looked weird, because you didn't often find those two expressions mingling on a single human face, accompanied by tears, no less.

"How did I find you?' she whispered. "I never got anything I wanted! Rachel always got everything! The spot at the dance studio, the Hollywood dream, even the _bike_! The bike..." A few more tears splashed off the tip of her nose.

James didn't understand. So he just sat there, revoking his right to "good" boyfriend.

"Have I... done, something?"

She wiped her eyes and the odd expression off of her face. Her features sank back into their familiar grooves, worn down by too many laughs and sarcastic smiles.

"I'm sorry. It's these stupid pills. Mood swings is one of the side effects."

"Tell me what's bothering you. Because I know something is."

"Nothing's bothering me really. I'm just... well, I've been thinking, is all."

He scooted a little, til he was lying beside her. "Thinking about what?"

"Just you. And me, and all you've done for me."

James snorted. "What have I done for you? You're the one who dragged me out of my Camille heartache and completely lit up my life again."

She smiled at him. "Have I?"

"Oh yeah. You're the only reason I got better so quick. I wanted to see you so bad, I forced myself to be."

She snuggled into him a little more.

"What have I done for you?" she asked.

He thought for a moment. "You taught me to play guitar," he finally said.

"No, Kendall did that."

"Well, then you taught me to love guitar." He was quiet for a minute. "You taught me to love again."

"That's nothing..."

"Sure it is! Are you sure those pills don't mess with your mental capabilities too?"

She was very still for a moment. "You saved my life," she finally said softly.

James didn't have anything to say to this.

"I would have died if you hadn't kept looking."

"Don't say that. Just..." He shivered. "Don't."

He could feel her looking at him. He could feel that penetrating stare that he dreaded, yet craved. Minutes passed by, and the room was silent, save the sounds of a busy hospital getting ready for sleep, fading into the background gently, like very deep untroubled breathing.

"Thank you James."

He jumped out of his sleepy frame of mind. Then he rubbed his eyes, and looked at her. "Thank me? For what?"

"For being the one thing I wanted that I finally got." She kissed him again, longer this time, and into that one kiss she put all the emotions that she had been longing to share with him, that would take much too long to explain. And he felt them. And neither of them could have been more content in those moments. Right then and now.

The rest of the remaining two weeks passed slowly for them, both occupied solely with each other, looking forward to the same thing. Her release date.

Two weeks later...

"Alright, Miss Dipillo," said the nurse, making sure she had everything with her in her bag. "You're set to go."

"Thank you," I said happily. "Tell Celia bye for me?"

"I will," the nurse smiled. "She'll be sad to see you go. It's usually like that between primary nurse and charge."

I smiled back, then turned to see my posse, my people. Logan and Camille, Carlos, Stephanie, Kendall, and Jo who had finally come back from North Carolina, and who hadn't been three feet from Kendall since. Katie and Rachel and Dad were there. No kudos to Mom on this one.

I smiled at them all, and only gingerly took a deep breath before walking over to join them all.

James had been with me all morning, holding my hand and helping me pack and making sure I double checked every little thing. Now he just walked beside me silently, ready to stay close to me while I passed around hugs and kisses and 'Omigosh, I can't BELIEVE I missed that!'s. And they all gave me the love and well wishes and goodwill of a real family, the kind you know loves you.

There was some crying. Stephanie and Camille were practically bawling as they ran up to me and hugged me til I almost exploded, for goodness sakes. They seemed to have forgotten I didn't actually die. Their boyfriends looked on jovially, and patiently waited for their turn to give me a pat on the back, while I have them lots of cheek kisses. Katie smiled at me, and Jo looked at Kendall pointedly. He just squeezed her shoulder, and gave her a peck on the cheek, assuring her that she was the only one for him. That made me smile.

Rachel didn't say anything, but kept her arm around me all the way to the cars that were parked out front. James went with me and Logan and Camille in the Big Time Rush-mobile, while the others piled into their designated vehicles.

Sitting there with everyone, things seemed alright again. The top down, radio cranked up loud, smiles and laughing and the things that make up good times soaking the vehicle like sunshine. We all screamed when Someday blasted out at us from the speakers, and caused many a horn honking when Logan drifted in and out of the heavy traffic like he owned the freeway. Even when a cop stopped us finally, and we saw all the smug faces of the people who weren't bold enough to do the same as we had been doing, it didn't dampen the feeling of all around glee. Especially since he let us off with a warning and no ticket, asking for only an autograph or two. It turned out to be five. We drove on promising if we ever saw him again, he would get all the free concert tickets he wanted, and backstage passes to boot.

That night was spent in 2J, watching horror flicks and munching on Doritos and m&m's. James and Carlos screamed at all the scary parts, while me and Stephanie laughed maniacally and high-fived. Camille fell asleep rather quickly, as if to remind us that these movies were SO boring and completely not worth the time of day. Logan spent the remainder of the night trying not to pee his pants and stroking her hair with a rather shaking hand. Jo and Kendall had disappeared into the guys room, where they had said they were going to talk. We all laughed when they had finally left the room, knowing there would be less talking than anything else.

By the time we turned on the Amnityville Horror, everyone had fallen asleep or had gone home. There was just Camille, me, and Logan, with James having opted for a quick shower.

"I think we should turn it up."

"It'll wake her up."

"Why else would I have done it?"

Logan chuckled.

I stretched out a little bit more, liking the feeling of being able to be unrestricted by a hospital bed.

"Have you taken your pills? You're supposed to be careful about that, you know..."

"Logan, I don't care if you WANT to be a doctor, you're not one yet. I'll take em, don't worry. You'll pee yourself again."

"I didn't!"

"Sure. Then what's that?"

"What?" He looked down frantically.

I yawned and shut my eyes. I could feel sleep descending on me with it's heavy blanket of peace. "Gotcha."

I wasn't looking at his face, so I didn't see the quarter relieved, quarter amused, half irked look he threw at me.

"Well, looks like it's all over? All that pneumonia business?"

I looked at him quickly. "Why is that a question?"

He sighed. "How have you REALLY been feeling? And I don't mean that crap you've been feeding to your dad and James."

I looked away as quickly as I had before. How was I feeling? I felt sick. No amount of m&m's and horror flicks could change that. I couldn't go on pretending that I was OK when I wasn't.

I took a cautious breath. Too bad he noticed.

"It's really hard?"

I let it out regretfully. "Yeah, it is."

James chose just then to walk out in a pair of sport shorts and a gray muscle tee. His hair was still wet. My heart beat got just a little bit faster.

The moment he saw the solemn expressions on Logan and I, he stopped in his tracks. "What's wrong? Are you OK?" he asked me with a panicked expression.

"I'm fine. Keep your shirt on."

On second thought...

"What's the problem?" he asked Logan. Curse this selfless disposition.

"She's having trouble breathing."

James looked at me. I really wanted out.

"Logan, I'm fine. Just..." I looked around, seeking a distraction for which to divert their attention. "Oh my gosh, look at all that blood!" I yelled, pointing to the TV screen.

Instinctively, they both looked at the television.

This gave me a moment to slip out quietly, out the door, wanting nothing more than to escape reality.

He caught up with me when I was halfway to the elevator.

"Not again," he said, as he pulled me back to him.

I couldn't do anything but suppress sobs. "I'm sick."

"I know, and I'm sorry, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

I hiccuped. "I'm sick forever. Who loves a sick person anyway?"

"I do," James said firmly. "You just need some sleep. You'll feel better after you do."

"Not if I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't breathe, just can't breathe. I can't let it happen..."

I hadn't told anyone I was terrified of waking up and not being able to breathe, that I would suffocate in pure, unobstructed air.

"I'll be with you, the whole time. I promise."

My breaths came shallowly now. I could feel them being spread out farther and farther. He didn't say anything. Just stood there and held me.

I felt the last one leave my lips. I could feel myself fall, could hear his tears.

I was dying, I knew it. He couldn't save me.

The last thing I saw was his hazel eyes, looking into mine, as if to say thank you. They were wet, and I could feel the ocean lapping against my ankles as my eyes closed.

And then...

I awoke in a cold sweat. I couldn't see anything in the dim light of the bedroom. I lay awake there for what seemed like hours, shaking and trying to dispel the feeling of despair I felt whenever I had this dream, whenever it crept up on me in the middle of the night, usually the nights when I knew James wouldn't be here.

I raised myself slowly out of bed. There was no noise in the apartment. But I knew where I could go.

I had only to walk twenty steps, and I was by her cradle. It was stationary, and the occupant was having one of her rare restful nights. I lifted her out anyway, and held her tiny body to mine. I could feel her little heart beating, and all my sadness left me. I sang to her softly, rocking with her back and forth, as much for her comfort as for mine. My ring, the one slipped on only almost a year ago, glistened in the moonlight flooding through the curtains of the nursery.

Once I had had my fill of the soothing innocence that was my baby, I walked to the answering machine. I had a few messages saved on there that I listened to precisely when I was feeling this way.

I played the first one.

_"Hey, James, it's me Kendall. Just wanted to know if we would be seeing you at the wedding and the reception and all, because Jo is going crazy and I can't completely blame her, considering as you haven't even gotten back to us yet. I know you're busy with the book and all, but I really need to have you there. The best man is like the most important part of the wedding..." _A deep sigh came out_. "I gotta go, but let me know, soon, or she's gonna combust. Give my best to your girls." _ Click. I smiled. That was a good one.

I pressed the button again.

_"Ren! You are not gonna believe what happened! Not a proper greeting, yes, but oh my gosh, guess what?" _Logan's voice could be heard in the background._ "Be quiet, I'm on the phone! She does too care! Now, Ren listen to this. I got... a PART! Yup, you bet! In a REAL movie! One with REAL actors! I think it's got... well, I don't really know who it's got yet, but who cares! I got a part! Call me as soon as you can! Oh and ask James if he could help me with writing my sample script I'm supposed to practice on, would you? Thanks, doll! Love and hugs!"_ A faint half click, followed by severe celebration whoops before the phone clicked all the way.

_"Hey Ren. I know that it's short notice but I wanted to know if I could have your advice on something. It's important. Call me back."_ Rachel hung up, and I couldn't exactly say why I saved it. Maybe cause it's the last message she left me before she disappeared off the face of the earth. Off my radar, and nearly out of my memory. Maybe cause I loved her way more than I ever thought, and a few words were enough to make me cry for days at a time.

I wiped my eyes, then hastily turned on the next message.

_"I know that it's late,"_ mom's voice said. _"but I have some pretty bad news. Your father had..."_ a few sniffles. _"He had a heart attack. He didn't make it. It was pretty bad."_ Silence for a moment. _"I'm sorry. For everything. I can't believe it happened the way it did. Please call me back. You're all I have left, and I know I don't deserve it, but I really want to be able to get to know you again. I want to get to know my granddaughter. Don't reject me, Ren. Know I loved you all along."_ A faint sobbing sound ended the shocking call, one which had been the object of a new and budding relationship between mother and daughter.

Memories, bittersweet yet unforgettable, were drowned out by the next message which made me feel extremely lucky.

_"Hey babe. Just checkin' in from good ole MN. Everything's good, you know Steph misses you, and she really wants to show you her new dog, Stella or something like that. She'll probably send you a picture on your phone soon. Carlos is just waiting to pop that question now, I guess. He's got the ring and everything, but he says he's afraid. Psh, what for? I don't get it... But anyway, I just wanted to call and check in and see how Katie is doing with helping Jo with all the wedding stuff, because you KNOW that's gotta be fun. Geez, how did we end up married first?" _I could hear the laughter in his voice._ "Anyway, I wanted to hear you and Anna's voices, but I guess your still in bed. So I'll call again later. I love you, darlin'. Bye."_ He hung up and I was sorely tempted to replay the message that had come just this morning. He would be gone for another two days, and I was still missing him.

I couldn't stop grinning now. Funny how nights like these could be shaken off by a few words from family.

Just then, the phone rang. I jumped. Then I peered at the caller ID. It was Logan. I picked it up.

"What are you calling me for? It's 12:01 in the god forsaken morning!"

"Happy 20th."

I remembered, then I smiled.

"Thanks doc. To me and Rach."

There was silence. I knew they all thought she was celebrating her birthday in heaven this year, but I knew she wasn't. Sisters know these things.

"Yeah," he replied doubtfully. "How's Anna?"

"Fine. Sleeping. You should be too."

"I know. I just couldn't sleep tonight, I guess."

"Me neither. Whatcha doing?"

"Watching Camille sleep."

"Creeper."

"I'm her boyfriend! I'm allowed."

I chuckled.

"So what are YOU doing? Gazing at James' portfolio pictures?" he asked mockingly.

"NO!"

Now it was his turn to laugh.

"I just was..." Not wishing to tell him about the messages, I looked around the counter and saw the thing I had been holding not two seconds ago. I had put it down when I picked up the phone. But now my eyes couldn't help but to light on it.

I picked up the little purple plastic spoon, Anna's little kiddy spoon, and gazed at it abstractedly. Flooding into my mind were memories, about everything that seemed to be related to that little utensile. Salt-water, and rain that wouldn't stop. Feeling so cold, yet burning up. A soft kiss on my lips, long awaited but so frozen. Just cold, and darkness and flashing lights and a red rose. It all filled my mind, and I couldn't think, couldn't feel anything for a few moments. There was fear, so much of it, I choked on the taste, harsh and strong on my tongue.

"Ren?"

I was torn out of my depressed reverie. The memories fled as quickly as they had come.

"Something wrong?"

"No..."

He was quiet.

"Do you remember when I..." I stopped. I didn't think myself capable of going on.

"When you what?"

I looked at the spoon. Then I tossed it in the trash.

"Nothing. Nevermind."

"Oh, OK..."

"What do you think about a reunion?" I asked suddenly.

He sounded surprised when he spoke next. "A reunion? Like what kind?"

"A reunion of our group. You, me, Camille, James, Carlos, Steph, Jo, Kendall, Katie. We should all spend a weekend together again. Like the good old days."

"Where would we have it?"

I thought for a moment. "At the Palm Woods."

"Really? You'd want to go back there?"

"It wasn't that long ago, Logan."

"I know! I'm just..."

I stayed quiet.

"I think it's a great idea. I'm in." He sounded happy.

I smiled. "Thanks for coming through for me again, love."

You're welcome, his laugh told me.

"Good night, Logan."

"Night, Ren."

_FIN_

**Thanks to all who read and reviewed, especially those of you who reviewed every chapter. Most notably, and I'm just rattling them off here, Difficult-notImpossible, claudinha sampaio, smileybubbles08, SterlingStarStuck, WHMSCheerioBrittany, and Half-BreedLover418. I know there were more who reviewed, and I thank you. I thank you all. So much. **

**This story was really not my kind of thing, and I hope I could do justice to what I was imagining it to be.**

**To all who favorited, I love you. No, really I do.**

**And heck, if you're reading this right now, I love you too.**

**Farewell, to you, Serenity. It's been a great ride.**

**I'm being overly dramatic. It's more fun than I would've thought.**

**One final xoxoxoxoxoxo**

**~Starbucks**


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